What NOT to do during “Return of the King.”

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, “I see dead people!”

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, “Man! Charlotte’s really let herself go!”

Sent to me via email, thanks D!

118 thoughts on “What NOT to do during “Return of the King.”

  1. Being an HP fan, I love #18…
    Dobby: Yoda, sir, what an honor it is!  Who are you?
    Gollum: Gollum! Gollum! They stole it from us.  Filthy little hobbitses.  False! Gollum!
    Yoda: Must be destroyed, the one ring.
    Dobby:  Give it to Harry Potter, sir, to use against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
    Yoda: No.  The ring, Frodo will destroy.
    Gollum:  Who’s Harry Potter, precious? Filthy hobbitses!

  2. During the movie, ask people who they think would win if Gandalf and Dumbledore had a fight.

  3. its funny because my friend and i did like 3 of these at the movie!! (we saw the midnight show)…. execpt we didn’t include yoda in our convo and we refrained (with some difficulty, because it might have stopped ppl from clapping EVERY FIVE SECONDS) from biting ppl’s fingers off.

  4. Everyone knows that Gandalf taught Godric Griffendor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin everything they knew!

    And I’m a /. lurker.

      Spiritus ex Machina
      “Any sufficiantly advance technology is indistinguishable from magic.”—Can you say CGI?

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  6. Jeeze I really thought that Harry Potter whas reallly pis in his pants if He saw number one
      add me to your buddy list on aim MountinBorder48

  7. Oh my God!!! I can’t tell you how many times Harry Potter, Dobby, and Pirates of the Caribbean came up during the movie when I went to see the premiere with my friend. Those are hillarious!!!  I love it. ^_^

  8. Can I have a cup of coffee, please?
    Thanks, mom.
    It seems to be nice weather outside, said mr. Hussein.
    Sir, yes, sir. I will carry your anchor to the laundry.
    Elrond, quit playing with your thing. You will be hairy as a chewbacca if you do it! (20 yrs later) What did I say you? Luckily you got a role as Chewbacca, otherwise you must’ve run to the Alps just like all the other masturbating elves – to act as a bigfoot…
    Never steal a pie from a pile. Otherwise you get only an L, and that’s off for nothing.
    Need help? Click here.

  9. After Aragorn gets crowned and Arwen shows up, as soon as the kiss is over, shout out in your best Mel Brooks impression “It’s good to be da king!”

  10. Metafilterite-in-waiting here.

    I confess to involuntarily committing #6 throughout the film.

  11. Indeed, I’ve said at least twice, once in the original posting, that I didn’t write these nor do I claim credit (or blame) for how funny they may (or may not) be to any one person. The list was emailed to me and I found it amusing so I posted it. I’m fully prepared to give proper credit to the author if I should ever found out who the hell it was.

  12. Oh brother, what a bunch of numbnuts. I’ll be waiting until you goofs are back in school and I can see it some afternoon with a few adults and well behaved children.

  13. Wait till the scene where Sam squares off against Shelob and yell, “Get away from her, you b!tch!”

  14. dammit!  i wasn’t planning on pissing myself until 12:00 tonight, but you made me do it early. 

    that was AWESOME!

  15. Hey NC3, didn’t those 3 ghosts come and visit you on Christmas Eve and scare you into becoming a nice person?…Bah Humbug!

  16. Wait until a climatic point during Sam’s battle with Shelob and scream “Get back you eight legged FREAK!!!”

  17. I think it would be equally as evil (as the daddy longlegs thing) to take and lob the little rubber spiders that actually look like her at other people in the theater.  That would be amusing at the least. ^_^

  18. How about when Eowyn kills the Captain of the DarkRiders and it’s all silent, scream out loud,” Who’s the bitch now??”

  19. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY NEONE WOULD WANT TO DO NE OF THOSE THINGS NEWAY… you ppl need to get a life ok Lord of the Rings is a great movie and if you all are too stupid to realize great quality then go f*ck urselfs…. and i don’t think you should really be talking bout legolas(orlando bloom) because i know NONE of you look or can EVER look as good as him… and finally you need to show some freakin respect and stop being so rude!

  20. Bah! I’ve read the book four times and enjoyed them AND I’d do all those things in a heartbeat.

    Only, I’d skip comparing Gandalf to Dumbledore and just shout out real loud ‘Dumbledore!’ each time Gandalf comes on-screen.

    When Treebeard is speaking, ‘You know, if you sped him up a little and cleared up the speech, he’d sound EXACTLY like Gimli!’

    When the Dead Host appear, ‘They had the same effect in Ghostbusters!’

    ‘I think they’re gonna kiss.’ each time Frodo and Sam or Merry and Pippin share a buddy-buddy moment.

    At the end of the movie, shout out loud, ‘Where’s that Saruman fella?’

    Agent Elrond references are just too easy. And if Peter Jackson didn’t want us having any fun, why the heck did he make the dwarf the comic relief, right? Right. Legolas Schmegolas, he always seemed pussified to me in the book. I dug Haldir, but Peter Jackson had to kill him in TTT. Which reminds me:

    ‘You shouldn’t have been there, you fool!’ when Haldir dies in TTT.

  21. Oh Gawd, Tasha is next in line for the Humourless Bastard Award! You sound like a 12 year old who can’t appreciate the idea of the piss-take. Did anyone here say they hated the movie or books? BTW I totally agree: Orlando Bloom is a quite gorgeous person…drools over keyboard.

  22. I must admit that my brother and I, despite not even being marginally big fans, know all the songs from the terrible RotK cartoon. Throughout the orc scenes we sang “Where there’s a whip there’s a way” under our breaths until people got annoyed and then we switched to “Frodo of the nine fingers” later on.

  23. Hey Tasha, when you grow up, learn to spell and type properly and develop a sense of humor then and only then I might consider listening to your advice. Until then, dry up.

    Kids. Sheesh.

  24. trackback: linkfilter.net

    orlando bloom is a pooftah. you’re SOL, tasha. burn your posters. by burning down your parents house.

  25. Gorgeousssss, my friendsesssss. I will mail thissss to all my friendsessss too and when we go to see the movie again we will be armed with these valuable advicessssss!

  26. I guess since Agent Smith couldn’t rule the Matrix, he tried to take over the Fairy kingdom.

    – Deg –

  27. I loved this!  In a recent discussion with my husband, I said I could never find Viggo Mortenson sexy because I keep seeing him saying “I love you more than Jesus!” and eating that heart.  This list cracked me up!!

    To the humorless ones – when you finally learn how to laugh at life, you won’t need so much Nexium.

    BTW – the Orc song should be that “OH EE OH” song from the Wizard of Oz.  Simple enough for an Orc to remember.  Or a bunch of drunk people at the midnight show.

  28. What about, everytime there’s fighting going on, stand up and shout “MORTAL COMBAT” at the top of your lungs?
    (If you got a seat next to the isle, jump out and make karate poses..)

  29. We have the “The Hobbit” cartooon on VHS somewhere. Kneel before Zod!
    I also picked up a “coffee table” book of “The Hobbit” complete with cels from said cartoon for illustration for 25 cents.

  30. BTW – the Orc song should be that “OH EE OH” song from the Wizard of Oz. Simple enough for an Orc to remember. Or a bunch of drunk people at the midnight show.

    Ha ha ha!!!

    Minas Morgul, that castle near the stairs that Frodo, Sam, and Gollum climb looks uncannily like the Emerald City!!!

    So, when the orcs started pouring out, I actually sang a few bars of that (to myself) yesterday when I saw it again.

    One of these days I’m gonna have to spend a day by myself and just MST the LotR movies to entertain myself.

  31. I just read these this morning in class and wanted to find the site. it’s a little different from the one I read but it’s similar.try this:

    Durning a battle scene stand up and yell, “Middle Earth needs me!” then run into the screen. After bouncing back, return to your seat muttering, “Shucks, it’s locked…”

  32. the sad part is, i actually did the mr anderson line, either that or stuck my hand out (like when smith copies himself)
    the rest i didnt think of, but man those are funny

  33. the sad part is, i actually did the mr anderson line, either that or stuck my hand out (like when smith copies himself)
    the rest i didnt think of, but man those are funny

  34. laugh my arse off
    yeh i already said “mr anderson” after every sentence of elrond before reading this
    good stuff
    want more

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