ATTENTION DUMBASS TECHNICAL EMPLOYEE.

Several studies by various Big Name Universities(TM) over the past few years have shown that without the constant re-enforcement of ongoing training most technical employees’ skills degrade over time to the point that the employee is as productive as a moldy turnip. The obvious conclusion that this study presents is the need for regular, ongoing training to keep the skill sets of our technical staff on the cutting edge.

At the same time many of your fellow coworkers have been whining about the need for additional training every time we dump some new product from programmers in Indonesia on them and expect them to integrate it with our 40 year old legacy database system without so much as a manual written in something approximating English. These two factors have prompted upper management of The Company(TM)  to undertake a lengthy 4 year study of the employee training practices of several very highly successful hotel and restaurant chains located at several tropical locations around the world. The expense bill covering just the fruity drinks with cute little umbrellas in them alone gave many in the accounting department minor heart attacks, but all this strenuous research has paid off in the long run by showing once and for all that constant employee training is, indeed, good for The Company(TM).

At the same time, however, it was discovered that most technical training programs require employees to travel off-site and often spend several days attending lectures and eating donuts. A constant training schedule would result in an employee never being at their desk and never doing any work on their projects. Obviously we had to come up with some compromise between the need for constant training and the need for employees to never leave their desks.

As you can see, we have found that compromise.

Your new, highly ergonomic cubical chair has been specially designed to meet your needs for both work and training. Using this chair and the ability to teleconference into various lectures in a window on your PC, you’ll be able to maintain the cutting edge level of your technical skills while you continue to work on your projects at the same time. We feel very confident that this change will be met with all the enthusiasm and excitement that our previous Employee Fitness Program met with. With this new program in place we should be cornering the market in no time with our army of uber-IT professionals.

3 thoughts on “ATTENTION DUMBASS TECHNICAL EMPLOYEE.

  1. My employer has a whole thing on body mechanics and blah blah blah. Do any of our damn chairs work? NO! We’re lucky we don’t get killed when we sit down and they collapse on us.

    And, the deal they’ve worked out with 24HR Fitness? If they pay for the whole goddamn thing, then I’ll go. Until then, they can bite my flabby (but tan) ass.

  2. Everyone knows that a good tan makes any body shape better.

    All this blah blah blah is just an excuse for me to post up the latest prank we’ve pulled on one of my coworkers. Not much phases him so he tends to have his chair stolen and replaced with random objects all the time. Don’t ask me where the guys find exercise bikes or school desks at an automotive software development site, I don’t know, but when they do find these sorts of things there’s a good chance it’ll show up in Howard’s cube.

    Not that I escape being pranked, but the ones they pull on me tend to be smaller scale. For example I came back to my cube to find that my little toy figure of Sully from Monsters, Inc. had lassoed my coffee mug with one of those disposable anti-static straps we have laying around that none of us ever use because it takes all the fun out of poking around inside sensitive electronic equipment.

    Someone also hid my mouse behind my computer and replaced it with one of those fake rubber computer mice that various companies hand out as a promotional item for reasons no one understands. What the hell are you supposed to do with it except pull pranks on your cube mate that aren’t all that funny?

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