Tuesday went pretty well while I was at work and then it all hit the fan once I got home. Seems Court had attempted to evade doing some of her homework by claiming she had already done it because she was bored and wanted to play on her computer. Having been caught out in the deception prior to my arrival home, she was occupied with feeling sorry for herself on her bed in her room when Anne came out to greet me at the mailbox to inform me of the situation. I went in and attempted to do the fatherly thing of talking to her about what she did and why it was wrong and how lying about stupid things could end up causing people to not believe her when she’s possibly in serious trouble and telling the truth. A conversation I’ve had more than once, but apparently am having trouble getting through to her with.
It was during that conversation that I ended up pissing Anne off with me. In trying to illustrate a point the example I used made Anne feel like I was setting her up as the bad guy, which wasn’t what I was trying to do, but that’s the result I ended up with. So I went from one lengthy conversation with my daughter to an even lengthier one with my now seriously angry wife. In trying to do the right thing with one person, I wronged another and yet people laugh when they hear me say I don’t think I’m that great of a father or husband. This is possibly the one greatest frustration I face in day to day life is when I do try to do what I think will make things better I still manage to end up making things worse.
So about the time that Anne and I finally start to get things worked out I suddenly feel something dangling in the back of my throat and it’s interfering with my ability to swallow and causing my gag reflex to kick in. Sort of like what it feels like when a piece of potato chip or something gets lodged at the back of your throat and you can’t quite swallow it and can’t quite cough it up, except that when I do swallow I can feel something tugging at the roof of the back of my mouth. So I go get a flashlight and I try to shine a little light back there in front of a mirror to see what the hell it is. It turns out it’s my uvula, that stupid and seemingly pointless mass of flesh that hangs at the back of your throat. Only mine isn’t suspended in mid-air rather than laying lazily across the back of my tongue as if it’s gotten tired of holding on and wants to take a little lie down. I’m no doctor, but I know that it really shouldn’t be on my tongue, or more importantly, extending far enough into my throat to affect my voice, which is the other thing it’s doing when I swallow.
Slightly panicked as I can’t recall it ever doing this sort of thing before and unable to fathom why the hell it would suddenly gain what feels like a couple of inches in length, I end up in urgent care. It took about two and a half hours to find out I have uvulitis. Literally, a swelling of the uvula. I thought they were kidding when they used the term as it sounds like something you’d just make up that sounded vaguely medical-ish when you didn’t know what the hell the real problem was. I mean, I could have come up with that. So they give me a steroid shot in my ass and a prescription for even more steroids to take over the next five days. Steroid shots are the worst because they don’t hurt until your butt has had enough time to really soak up the steroids and they are always administered in your ass because the doctor doesn’t want you to forget how much of his time you’ve wasted over a trivial swollen uvula you panicked over because you’re such a wimp.
It wasn’t an hour before my uvula was back where it should be and appears content to once more hang around at the back of my throat contributing in no readily apparent way to my day to day living other than to make me snore like a lumberjack’s chain saw in the middle of the night to keep my wife from doing something foolish like fall asleep. Getting into the shower the next day I was overcome with nausea and my left arm was still kinda numb for some reason and my ass still hurt. So I stayed home from work and slept a few more hours. I intended to sit down at some point and talk about it here on the blog, but I never got around to it until now. I feel MUCH better this morning and will be headed to work as soon as this is done. Life is once again back to what passes for normal around here.
Oh, the doc did ask if I suffer from sleep apnea as, apparently, even un-swollen I have an unusually large uvula. I said I didn’t know how I would know and Anne said all she had noticed was that I sometimes choked momentarily while sleeping and would wake up. So he suggested I look into having a sleep study done to see if I am suffering from it and if I was they might just yank that useless bit of flesh right on outta there. I think I said something like “Why bother with the study? Yank that puppy right now and let’s get it over with.” But that apparently would violate some stupid oath he took or something. So I’ll be looking into having someone study how I sleep. That’s got to be an exciting job to have.