When I get to work every morning I ask Google Assistant the same question: Will it rain today? I ask this so I know whether or not I can leave the windows on my car cracked open so it’s not a raging blast furnace when I climb in at the end of the day. This is such a regular occurrence that I’m surprised the artificial intelligence at Google doesn’t just tell me as soon as I shut off my car’s engine without being prompted. Google probably thinks this is the only thing I care about because it’s the one question I’ve most asked the Google Assistant since it was first introduced.
Yesterday when I asked this question the Google Assitant was adamant that it was going to rain. “Absolutely.” She said, “Thunderstorms up the wahzoo all damned day long.” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that’s essentially what she said. So I rolled up the windows all the way and grabbed my umbrella. You can imagine my surprise when I stepped out in the afternoon and not only had it not rained a single drop, but it was so damned sunny I thought I had somehow been transported to Florida.
I thought to myself, “Hey! Wouldn’t it be funny if I asked Google Assistant if it would rain today and it still insisted that it was going to?” My thinking being that perhaps it had meant it would rain in the evening hours. Then I got the bright idea to record myself asking if it would rain with the brightly shining sun directly behind my head thus illustrating how wrong Google’s supposed artificial intelligence could be. Ha ha!
In hindsight it should’ve been obvious to me that you can’t use voice commands while recording a video because, duh, the mic is busy with the video recording. to have pulled this off I would’ve needed two phones. So not only do I look like an idiot standing in the parking lot with an umbrella when it’s clearly nowhere close to raining, but now I also look like an idiot because I’m barking orders at my phone in a lame attempt at a joke that probably wouldn’t have worked anyway because Google Assistant would probably have told me: “No, of course not, you moron. Don’t you see that sun up there behind your friggin’ head?”
I especially like the bit where I thought that perhaps I just wasn’t speaking loudly enough so I moved the phone closer to my mouth thus revealing just how craggy my left eye socket really is. That’s some high quality eyebrow hair I got going on there.
So fuck you for ruining what would’ve been an entirely middling joke, Google.