Here’s a tragic story of a fraternity initiation gone awry.

Who am I kidding? I find this funny as hell:

“Most college students returned for the spring semester rested and relaxed. Amon Carter IV headed back to class with the mark of his fraternity burned into his backside.The family of Texas Christian University student, who returned from a winter break ski trip with second and third-degree burns from being branded by his fraternity brothers, have already hired a lawyer to pressure school officials and police to punish all involved.

Carter, who goes by Chance, will require surgery to repair the damage done to his buttocks with a hot coat hanger after he passed out during a night of drinking.

Apparently it’s not enough to be obnoxiously insufferable once you join a fraternity these days; now you have to be branded as well. Not surprisingly, the family already has plans to sue… someone… over the incident.

Interestingly enough I only just learned about this practice the other day from one of the kids here at work when I noticed the bottom part of what turned out to be a huge letter I that had been crudely branded in his bicep. I was incredulous that he had had it done intentionally as it makes even the worst tattoo look like art by Michelangelo. There was also the fact that this kid was black which made the brand suggest some slave imagery to me and I was surprised he’d want to make that a permanent part of his body, but apparently this is something that’s been common among African-American fraternities for some time now:

Branding has been a rite of passage in black fraternities for decades, but is still a fairly uncommon ritual among white fraternity members.

Lawrence Ross Jr., author of “The Divine Nine: The History of African American Fraternities and Sororities,” told ABCNews.com that he’s starting to hear more and more cases of branding among white fraternities, which he attributed to Internet videos and pictures glorifying the ritual.

“I tend to look at it as a personal choice,” Ross said, adding that he chose a tattoo, not a brand, during his frat days with Alpha Phi Alpha.

Our hero here, however, is white and the brand he got looks like it makes sitting down an uncomfortable activity:

Texas Christian University student Amon Carter IV and his amazing ass brand.

Johnson, who is close to the TCU sophomore, told ABCNews.com that Chance Carter had drunkenly consented to letting his fraternity brothers finish branding his rear with the Kappa Sigma symbols, a mark he had started during spring break, unbeknownst to his family.But his fraternity brothers took it upon themselves to continue the branding — this time large triangles to represent the Tri Delta Sorority — on his other buttock while he was passed out.

Johnson said the Tri Delta mark was mingled with numerous other brands, most of which are unrecognizable, since they overlap.

“They are large,” she said.

As if this story weren’t already awesome enough, it turns out that Amon Carter IV comes from a very wealthy and renowned family:

The Carters are one of the most prominent families in Forth Worth. Amon G. Carter was the president and publisher of the Forth Worth Star-Telegram newspaper in the 1920s and was credited with bringing several major businesses to the area, including a General Motors assembly plant and the company now known as Lockheed-Martin.

[...]

Craven said the Carters, who brought Chance Carter to the emergency room for treatment as soon as he returned home, have already consulted with a plastic surgeon who estimated it would take at least six procedures to repair.

Craven said the possibility of a lawsuit is “nothing I can say at this point.”

“As far as I’m concerned,” Johnson said, “his backside is a crime scene.”

It’s hard to say whether there’s anything that can be done, other than the plastic surgery, in this case. Amon did technically consent to the procedure before he passed out so it’s possible the people directly responsible might not be charged with a crime. As for suing, well, the family is already pretty wealthy so it’s hard to see the point outside of revenge.

If I were dumb enough to allow a bunch of drunken frat buddies to take a hot coat hanger and draw doodles on my ass I’d just write it off as a lesson learned the hard way and try to move on as best I could considering that my hips would probably catch on the inside of my jeans when I walked from that point forward.

You would think this would be self-evident, but apparently at least one fellow out there needed to be told:

“I hit my ear on the boom of my truck and broke the headset of my phone,” Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News.

“So I got some superglue and glued it back together – and that was … when my boss rang.”

The truck driver said he usually had the phone’s headset in his ear most of the day.

“I guess I didn’t think much of it when I put it back into my ear to talk to the boss.

“I drove from Casuarina to Rapid Creek when I realised I had done something kinda stupid.”

If you do accidentally glue your headset to your ear, don’t compound the problem with half-assed attempts at removing it:

Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News it crossed his mind to use his pocket knife to remove the unwanted gear from his ear.

“I realised I didn’t want to see myself going to a doctor to put my ear back on after I chopped it off.

“So I used a spoon.”

The 43-year-old said he scraped the earpiece out of his ear with a spoon but several pieces of skin were still stuck to the headphones.

“Yes, it did hurt – but I guess I did hurt my pride much more than it did hurt my ear.”

Kudos to Mr. Gardner for not using his pocket knife, but a spoon is hardly an adequate second choice. What he should have used instead is a bit of acetone, which is like Kryptonite to super glue. Just a bit of your average nail polish remover – check the bottle to be sure it has acetone in it – on a Q-tip is all it takes to remove the glue without removing parts of your ear along with it. Be sure to wash the acetone off your skin once you free yourself and perhaps put some lotion on the spot as well.

As it turns out, it’s possible to get super glue on parts of your body that you really shouldn’t use acetone on such as your lips or your eye. Apparently this has happened enough that the Original Super Glue Corporation actually has a webpage detailing what to do:

Should Super Glue bond to any body part where acetone should not be applied, such as the lips or eyes, the following steps will help you get out of any sticky situation!

• Skin
  Immerse bonded areas in warm, soapy water. Peel or roll skin apart; a spatula or teaspoon handle or even a pencil will help. Remove cured adhesive with warm, soapy water (may take several applications). Fingernail polish remover with an acetone base has also been successful for removal of cured adhesive from skin.
• Lips
  If lips are accidentally stuck together, apply a generous amount of warm water and encourage maximum wetting and pressure from saliva from inside the mouth. Peel or roll (do not pull) lips apart. It is almost impossible to swallow the adhesive as a liquid. The adhesive solidifies upon contact with saliva (moisture) and could adhere to the inside of the mouth. Saliva will lift the adhesive in 1-2 days, avoid swallowing the adhesive after detachment.
• Eyelid
  In the event that eyelids are stuck together or bonded to the eyeball, wash thoroughly with warm water and apply a gauze patch. The eye will open without further action within 1-4 days. To our knowledge there has never been a documented case of adhesive in the eye causing permanent damage. Do not try to force eyes open.
• Eyeball
  The adhesive will attach itself to the eye protein and will disassociate from it over time, usually within several hours. Periods of weeping and double vision may be experienced until clearance is achieved. Use of a warmed 3% sodium bicarbonate solution to wash eyes repeatedly may assist in aiding more rapid removal of the adhesive.
  WE SUGGEST THAT ALL INCIDENTS OF EYE EXPOSURE TO CYANOACRYLATE ADHESIVE (SUPER GLUE) BE DISCUSSED WITH A PHYSICIAN.

In other words, please don’t sue the shit out of us due to your own stupidity.

How’s this for being totally unfair:

A Brownsville high school teacher has been suspended for 30 days without pay after she appeared in a picture someone else posted on Facebook that included a male stripper at a bridal shower.

[...] Board member Stella Broadwater says the suspension is appropriate because the photo became public, but member Sandra Chan says it was too harsh because the teacher had no control over the photo being posted.

via Teacher suspended over stripper photo – Pittsburgh Post Gazette.

It’d be one thing if the teacher had printed out this picture and passed it around to her students, but to be suspended because someone else posted the picture on Facebook is pretty stupid. Granted I’ve not seen the picture in question, but I’m not sure it should matter much. Short of staying home and never doing anything outside of work, I’m not sure how she had any control over the posting of the pic.

This also reflects one of the problems with Facebook’s move towards removing the privacy options that it has traditionally made available to its users. As these barriers come down you’ll be reading about more and more news items like this as pictures that were once thought to be limited to family and friends become viewable by the public at large.

There are already a number of sites popping up to chronicle embarrassing Facebook postings including Failbook.com from the folks who brought us I Can Has Cheezeburger? I mean, do you really want wall updates like this one viewable by the whole world?

It’s embarrassing enough that your mom knows you’re brushing up on AMAZING SEX, but what happens when a potential employer is able to do a Google search and has this come up? At least the Failbook.com folks remove last names and blur pics. Google isn’t going to do that.

OK, I’ve gotten off on a tangent here so allow me to wrap this up. The point I’m trying to make is that, sure, the idiot in the above screenshot probably shouldn’t have posted something like that if he didn’t want folks (including his mom) to know about it, but the teacher that got suspended didn’t post the picture that got her in trouble and that’s not fair. Which is basically my point.

That’s what you’ll be thinking to yourself if you watch this compilation of people finding new and entertaining ways of injuring themselves and others in their immediate vicinity:

Several of those people are probably still feeling the pain from those adventures. Yikes!

Here’s a story we’re seeing with more and more regularity. It’s from the Too Much Faith Will Make You Crazy file and it involves a young man who’d be alive today if the people purported to care about him would have taken him to a doctor’s office. Instead the opted to pray for God to heal him. God, apparently, had better things to do:

GLADSTONE, Ore. – A 16-year-old boy who, along with his parents, believed in faith healing died as a result of an inflammation in his urinary system that is treatable, a deputy medical examiner said Wednesday.

The boy, identified by authorities as Neil Beagley, was suffering from an inflammation in a tube leading from his bladder – the urethra – that made him unable to urinate, according to Dr. Clifford Nelson, a deputy state medical examiner.

Beagley filled up with urine, and that eventually ruined his bladder and kidneys and resulted in heart failure, said Nelson, who called it “an absolutely horrible way to die.”

A simple procedure with a catheter is all it would’ve taken to save his life, but his folks and his fellow church members figured why go through all that trouble when God promises to heal you if you just ask? Best of all no one is likely to be charged in this unfortunate situation:

It was not clear what transpired between March and this week. Gladstone police said the boy got sick about a week ago and his condition worsened Sunday, causing members of his faith-healing church to gather for prayer rather than take him to a hospital. The boy died Tuesday afternoon surrounded by family members and a board member of the church called authorities.

Police said relatives and church members told them the teenager refused treatment for the illness, as he was entitled to do under Oregon law.

“All of the interviews from last night are that he did in fact refuse treatment,” said Sgt. Lynne Benton of Gladstone police. “Unless we can disprove that, charges probably won’t be filed in this case.

She said state law allows minors 14 and older to make such decisions.

Sounds like an early candidate for next year’s Darwin Awards. Shame someone so young would throw their lives away on a silly superstition, but that’s the risk you take when you choose to have too much faith in invisible sky faeries.

The annual Darwin Awards, given out to those people who have most improved the gene pool by removing themselves from it, are back with 2009’s winners:

DOUBLE DIP (2009 runner up)
For the first time ever, a woman–yes, a member of the safer sex–made it into the year’s Top Darwin Awards! 2009 Antepenultimate Winner is the North Carolina woman who jumped into a swollen creek to rescue her drowning…moped. Read on.

DYING TO GO (2009 runner up)
We’ve all been in his shoes, taking that fateful whiz at the side of the road. After all, “You don’t buy beer, you just rent it.” Team Darwin Awards is proud to announce the 2009 Penultimate Winner. Read on.

(winner)
CRUSHING DEBT (2009 darwin award winner)
And the winner is… deceased! The city of Dinant, Belgium is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award involving two bankrobbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM. In hindsight, a debit card would have been safer. Read on.

Congratulations to this year’s winners! They managed to beat out a lot of other highly motivated contenders over the past year to take the top prize. And it’s already looking like it’ll be another hectic year of competition coming up.

I’m a big promoter of critical thinking skills because it’ll save you much embarrassment and expense. “Skeptic” is not a four letter word and skepticism can be a very useful tool for determining the truth of a claim especially when said claims come from complete strangers who are presenting themselves as an authority figure. People like the prankster who phoned up the front desk clerk of a Holiday Inn Express in Arkansas claiming to be a representative Grennel Fire Sprinkler service.  Hotel employee Christina Bergmann was working the front desk that morning and apparently didn’t bat an eye when the fake Grennel rep told her there was a problem with the hotel’s sprinkler system and that she needed to reset it by pulling the fire alarm:

“Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm.” Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel’s windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an imposter.

Now I can see how someone non-technical might be able to be convinced that pulling the fire alarm would reset the sprinkler system, but when you read the full police report at The Smoking Gun you have to wonder why the next instructions didn’t cause her to pause and ask what the hell was going on.

The caller then advised Bergmann to push the lever back up. When she was unable to do so, the caller told her that in order to keep the sprinklers from coming on and causing serious damage to the hotel, she had to break all the exterior windows.

I don’t care how non-technical you happen to be the above instruction should be a major red flag that the caller is not who he claims to be. Smashing the windows to keep the sprinklers from going off? How exactly is that supposed to work? Especially considering that the sprinklers themselves are usually activated by the heat of flames and not some sort of electronic switch. Even if you didn’t know that though you still have to wonder how broken windows would stop sprinklers from activating.

It’s at this point that our story takes an even more bizarre turn for the absurd. It seems Bergmann wasn’t the only person not thinking critically that day as about this time a customer by the name of Rusty Brown walked into the lobby and identified himself as an Incident Commander. That’s someone who’s been trained in how to coordinate an emergency response. The sort of person you’d hope would have a highly developed critical thinking skill and the knowledge of how to apply it in an emergency.  Rusty Brown apparently did not have such a skill as he didn’t bat an eye when handed the phone by Bergmann and told by the phone rep that the exterior windows had to be broken to reset the alarms and keep the sprinklers from activating:

At this point Bergmann and Brown began breaking the lobby windows with a fire extinguisher. While Brown was breaking the lobby windows, the caller advised Bergmann that she must break a portion of one of the sprinkler heads to keep it from activating.

Again we come to a point where you’d think a red flag would pop up and start bashing Bergmann over the head. Activating the fire alarm didn’t work, breaking windows doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, so how would intentionally breaking the actual sprinkler head help in any way? Well, what could it hurt to try, right?

At this point Bergmann removed a portion of the sprinkler head, causing a large amount of water to flow through it. After breaking several windows and realizing the alarm was not deactivated, Rusty Brown got back on the lobby phone with the caller.

Surely Rusty Brown realizes at this point that they’ve been had and is going to curse out the caller in a lengthy and graphic way. Then again, maybe not:

The caller told Brown that he must reset the control panel for the system. Brown told the caller that the water from the sprinkler was keeping him from reaching the panel. The caller told Brown that he had to find the breaker box and shut down power to the hotel.

Again, this should be a red flag. Sprinkler systems generally don’t require power to function as they are activated by heat breaking a fluid filled chamber in the sprinkler head and the flow is driven by pure water pressure. If you want to shut them off you need to find the valve for that section of sprinkler heads, not a breaker box. You’d think that an Incident Commander would know this, but apparently that’s not the case:

At this point Brown gave the caller his cell phone number in order to stay in contact while mobile. The caller made contact with Brown by phone and continued to give him instructions. Brown found an employee and gained access to the main electrical room and shut down the main power.

And now we come to the big payoff:

Brown advised that at this point the unknown caller called his cell phone again and advised that he was connecting him to the hotel manager, whose number he had gotten from Christian Bergmann. At this point Brown was in contact with Candlewood manager Donna Caldwell who was unaware of the situation.

So there you are, a trained Incident Commander who’s supposed to be able to coordinate a response to an emergency situation, and you’ve just finished helping a clueless hotel clerk smash a bunch of windows, set off a sprinkler system, and shut down power to the hotel all to avoid something that wasn’t going to happen in the first place and you’ve got to explain all of that to the hotel manager. Sucks to be you.

All of that could have been avoided with just a little critical thinking and a question or two. Rusty Brown should have known at least a little about how fire suppression systems work, but even without that knowledge there were several points where a reasonable person should have questioned what they were being told to do.

Rusty Brown, the Holiday Inn guest who helped Bergmann follow the prankster’s instructions, told TSG he was “an innocent bystander and got involved in domestic terrorism.” Bown, 36, remarked that there was “absolute panic in that hotel,” adding that, “all I did was make it worse. I’m not proud of breaking windows. It is very disheartening.”

Domestic terrorism? I suppose that’s one way to look at it. Being played for a fool is yet another. I don’t know who determines who gets to be an Incident Commander, but if I were them I’d be seriously reconsidering if Rusty Brown is right for the position.