Thinking that the eels would make him look ten years younger, Nan dived into the water and let . . . → Read More: My life may not be perfect, but at least I haven’t had THIS happen to me.]]> Vanity can be a dangerous thing. Some of the stuff people do to try and look younger is often silly and can come with some unconsidered risks. Take, for example, bathing with eels to remove dead skin:

Thinking that the eels would make him look ten years younger, Nan dived into the water and let them feast upon layers of dead skin.

But after laying in the spa bath, Nan felt a sharp pain and realised a small eel was working its way up his urethra and into his bladder.

‘I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis,’ the 56-year-old from Honghu, Hubei province said.

Oh yeah, that would definitely ruin my day. I’ll leave out the photograph of the eel from the original article, but you can see it at the link above if you’re really that curious.

It took three hours of surgery to remove the six-inch eel from the man’s bladder where, fortunately, it had already expired thus limiting the damage done. Still I’m sure it’s a traumatizing experience which probably isn’t helped by the fact that all his friends will forevermore refer to him as “eel dick.”

This is why I try to keep my sense of vanity as low as possible. I do the basic grooming stuff like bathing, shampooing what little hair I have, using deodorants, etc., but I don’t bother with worrying about how wrinkly I’m getting or whether I’ve used the proper amount of moisturizer on my skin. I’m getting old and I look like I’m getting old and I don’t really give a damn that I look like I’m getting old. Looking younger is just not worth having some tiny animal try to crawl it’s way up inappropriate orifices in ways both painful and embarrassing.

“He immediately lost . . . → Read More: Well this is a novel way to get your ass run over.]]> It’s probably safe to say that Benjamin Keyser is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Seems he was riding as a passenger in a F350 Ford Truck with a moon roof when he thought it’d be hilarious to climb out of said moon roof while the truck was in motion:

“He immediately lost his balance, slid down the windshield and front hood … and the truck ran him over,” said State Police Capt. Scott Brown.

[...] The other three occupants of the truck put Keyser, 23, back in the truck and drove him to the Chatham Rescue Squad headquarters where he received emergency medical care before a New York State Police helicopter transported him to Albany Medical Center.

He remains there in serious condition as of press time. Keyser broke a femur and suffered facial and bodily injuries, according to authorities.

via The Register Star Online > Joke gone wrong lands man in hospital.

He’s lucky that’s all he suffered from. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to think this is a good idea?

“It appears that alcohol played a part in this accident,” he said. “The victim had consumed alcohol just before this happened.”

Ah, you have to be stupid drunk to think this is a good idea. Of course the real question here is: Do you think he learned anything from this?

UNION, N.J. — A man who claimed he was seeking the “portal to hell” repeatedly stabbed two women early Friday after they noticed misplaced items in their backyard and opened the . . . → Read More: Man looking for a “portal to hell” stabs a couple of old ladies in New Jersey.]]> No idea if too much religion or just too many drugs are to blame for this incident so I’ll let it speak for itself:

UNION, N.J. — A man who claimed he was seeking the “portal to hell” repeatedly stabbed two women early Friday after they noticed misplaced items in their backyard and opened the door to a shed where he was staked out, law enforcement officials said.

A neighbor jumped a fence after hearing the women scream and hit their assailant, 25-year-old Morgan Mesz, in the head with a baseball bat, ending the attacks, authorities said. The two women were seriously hurt.

Mesz was charged with three counts of attempted murder and was being held on $1.5 million bail. Authorities did not know if Mesz had an attorney, and a phone number for him could not be found.

via Police: Man Seeking ‘Portal To Hell’ Stabs 2 – News Story – KXLY Spokane.

Considering he was in New Jersey, you’d think he’d be looking for a portal out of hell. Ba dump dump tsshhh!

Sure I may not have excelled in the past year and might have been unemployed for awhile, but at least I didn’t do a face plant while trying to show off in some stupid fashion. Some of these had me grabbing . . . → Read More: Always remember that your life could be much worse…]]> … you could be one of these poor saps:

Sure I may not have excelled in the past year and might have been unemployed for awhile, but at least I didn’t do a face plant while trying to show off in some stupid fashion. Some of these had me grabbing my balls in sympathy pain.

Kinda like this, but more painful.

Look, I’m as big a video game nerd as the next one, but even I know that it’s a bad idea to try and recreate a video game in real-life:

CLEMSON, S.C. — Clemson police said a game ended up with a 23-year-old man struck by an SUV.

Emergency . . . → Read More: SEB Safety Tip: Life doesn’t have a reset button.]]>

Kinda like this, but more painful.

Look, I’m as big a video game nerd as the next one, but even I know that it’s a bad idea to try and recreate a video game in real-life:

CLEMSON, S.C. — Clemson police said a game ended up with a 23-year-old man struck by an SUV.

Emergency crews were called to the intersection of Highway 123 and College Avenue at about 9 p.m. Monday.

[...] Investigators said they later determined that the man and his friends were talking about playing a game known as “Frogger.”

[...] Police said before he was hit, the 23-year-old yelled “go” and darted into oncoming traffic where he was struck by a 2010 Lexus SUV.

There’s a reason Frogger is just a video game and not an organized sport and it’s nothing to do with the fact that you play a frog. This potential Darwin Award winner managed to luck out, however, and wasn’t killed by the SUV.

Though one would hope it knocked a little sense into him.

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Unlike the previous SEB safety tip, this is one that some folks might need to be told about.

If you have a snowblower and it gets clogged on heavy snow, which they are wont to do, you should never stick your hand into the chute to clear the clog. . . . → Read More: SEB Safety Tip: Clogged snowblowers should be cleaned with a stick, not your hand.]]>

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Unlike the previous SEB safety tip, this is one that some folks might need to be told about.

If you have a snowblower and it gets clogged on heavy snow, which they are wont to do, you should never stick your hand into the chute to clear the clog. That’s a lesson this poor kid learned the hard way:

At 14, Kenny McGill was a veteran snowblower user, taking on the task of cleaning off the driveway and sidewalk of his family’s Plainfield home for the last three years.

So his mother, Sheila McGill, was shocked when she got a call Dec. 10 saying the teen had mangled his hand while doing the job.

Kenny lost half of his index finger, and surgeons had to reconstruct the middle finger of his right hand. He told his parents he used his hand to clear clogged snow out of a collector chute, and an unseen blade caught it, his mother said.

The teen faces physical therapy and a long healing process.

via Snowblowers offer winter help, but blades pose hazard – Chicago Breaking News.

Most of the bigger snowblowers will come with a tool specifically for this purpose, but if yours didn’t then improvise with something other than your hand and turn the damned thing off before trying to unclog it.

Sure that means you have to start it back up again, but at least you’ll have all your fingers to yank on the starter cord with.

COLORRADO SPRINGS, Colo.—A Colorado Springs man who tried to clean his natural-gas fireplace while it was still lit nearly roasted himself over an open fire. He was hospitalized with second-degree burns.

Colorado Springs fire authorities say the unnamed man . . . → Read More: SEB Safety Tip: Don’t try to clean your fireplace while you still have a fire in it.]]> There are some things you’d think you wouldn’t have to tell people, but you’d be wrong:

COLORRADO SPRINGS, Colo.—A Colorado Springs man who tried to clean his natural-gas fireplace while it was still lit nearly roasted himself over an open fire. He was hospitalized with second-degree burns.

Colorado Springs fire authorities say the unnamed man received facial burns Thursday night after using an aerosol cleaner on the lit fireplace. Fire Lt. Tom Ruane tells The (Colorado Springs) Gazette that the aerosol cleaner produced “a big fireball.”

via Colo. man burned while cleaning lit fireplace – The Denver Post.

So remember kids: Be sure to turn off the gas fireplace and let it cool down before attempting to clean it. And you should probably use something that isn’t highly flammable itself to clean it with. If you’re not sure what you’re doing then perhaps it’s worth the expense to hire a professional chimney sweep.

Of course, if you’re as big a dumbass as this guy was then you’re probably not going to listen to this sage advice anyway.

. . . → Read More: When Christmas Pageants attack! Next on FOX!]]> A lot of Christian churches go all out for Christmas and do their best to bring the myths legends alive for their congregations. Often this involves making use of live animals in a Nativity scene or skit, which is fine when you’re doing it outdoors, but a lot trickier when you move it indoors:

Don’t be mad at the camel, he was just trying to do the right thing and sit in a pew like all the other congregants.

Can you imagine being killed in church from having a 1,100 pound camel falling on you and then having to explain that to Saint Peter at the pearly gates? If God does exist he has a twisted sense of humor.

Via Camel in church — Chez Oswell.