Here’s a tragic story of a fraternity initiation gone awry.

Who am I kidding? I find this funny as hell:

“Most college students returned for the spring semester rested and relaxed. Amon Carter IV headed back to class with the mark of his fraternity burned into his backside.The family of Texas Christian University student, who returned from a winter break ski trip with second and third-degree burns from being branded by his fraternity brothers, have already hired a lawyer to pressure school officials and police to punish all involved.

Carter, who goes by Chance, will require surgery to repair the damage done to his buttocks with a hot coat hanger after he passed out during a night of drinking.

Apparently it’s not enough to be obnoxiously insufferable once you join a fraternity these days; now you have to be branded as well. Not surprisingly, the family already has plans to sue… someone… over the incident.

Interestingly enough I only just learned about this practice the other day from one of the kids here at work when I noticed the bottom part of what turned out to be a huge letter I that had been crudely branded in his bicep. I was incredulous that he had had it done intentionally as it makes even the worst tattoo look like art by Michelangelo. There was also the fact that this kid was black which made the brand suggest some slave imagery to me and I was surprised he’d want to make that a permanent part of his body, but apparently this is something that’s been common among African-American fraternities for some time now:

Branding has been a rite of passage in black fraternities for decades, but is still a fairly uncommon ritual among white fraternity members.

Lawrence Ross Jr., author of “The Divine Nine: The History of African American Fraternities and Sororities,” told ABCNews.com that he’s starting to hear more and more cases of branding among white fraternities, which he attributed to Internet videos and pictures glorifying the ritual.

“I tend to look at it as a personal choice,” Ross said, adding that he chose a tattoo, not a brand, during his frat days with Alpha Phi Alpha.

Our hero here, however, is white and the brand he got looks like it makes sitting down an uncomfortable activity:

Texas Christian University student Amon Carter IV and his amazing ass brand.

Johnson, who is close to the TCU sophomore, told ABCNews.com that Chance Carter had drunkenly consented to letting his fraternity brothers finish branding his rear with the Kappa Sigma symbols, a mark he had started during spring break, unbeknownst to his family.But his fraternity brothers took it upon themselves to continue the branding — this time large triangles to represent the Tri Delta Sorority — on his other buttock while he was passed out.

Johnson said the Tri Delta mark was mingled with numerous other brands, most of which are unrecognizable, since they overlap.

“They are large,” she said.

As if this story weren’t already awesome enough, it turns out that Amon Carter IV comes from a very wealthy and renowned family:

The Carters are one of the most prominent families in Forth Worth. Amon G. Carter was the president and publisher of the Forth Worth Star-Telegram newspaper in the 1920s and was credited with bringing several major businesses to the area, including a General Motors assembly plant and the company now known as Lockheed-Martin.

[...]

Craven said the Carters, who brought Chance Carter to the emergency room for treatment as soon as he returned home, have already consulted with a plastic surgeon who estimated it would take at least six procedures to repair.

Craven said the possibility of a lawsuit is “nothing I can say at this point.”

“As far as I’m concerned,” Johnson said, “his backside is a crime scene.”

It’s hard to say whether there’s anything that can be done, other than the plastic surgery, in this case. Amon did technically consent to the procedure before he passed out so it’s possible the people directly responsible might not be charged with a crime. As for suing, well, the family is already pretty wealthy so it’s hard to see the point outside of revenge.

If I were dumb enough to allow a bunch of drunken frat buddies to take a hot coat hanger and draw doodles on my ass I’d just write it off as a lesson learned the hard way and try to move on as best I could considering that my hips would probably catch on the inside of my jeans when I walked from that point forward.

You would think this would be self-evident, but apparently at least one fellow out there needed to be told:

“I hit my ear on the boom of my truck and broke the headset of my phone,” Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News.

“So I got some superglue and glued it back together – and that was … when my boss rang.”

The truck driver said he usually had the phone’s headset in his ear most of the day.

“I guess I didn’t think much of it when I put it back into my ear to talk to the boss.

“I drove from Casuarina to Rapid Creek when I realised I had done something kinda stupid.”

If you do accidentally glue your headset to your ear, don’t compound the problem with half-assed attempts at removing it:

Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News it crossed his mind to use his pocket knife to remove the unwanted gear from his ear.

“I realised I didn’t want to see myself going to a doctor to put my ear back on after I chopped it off.

“So I used a spoon.”

The 43-year-old said he scraped the earpiece out of his ear with a spoon but several pieces of skin were still stuck to the headphones.

“Yes, it did hurt – but I guess I did hurt my pride much more than it did hurt my ear.”

Kudos to Mr. Gardner for not using his pocket knife, but a spoon is hardly an adequate second choice. What he should have used instead is a bit of acetone, which is like Kryptonite to super glue. Just a bit of your average nail polish remover – check the bottle to be sure it has acetone in it – on a Q-tip is all it takes to remove the glue without removing parts of your ear along with it. Be sure to wash the acetone off your skin once you free yourself and perhaps put some lotion on the spot as well.

As it turns out, it’s possible to get super glue on parts of your body that you really shouldn’t use acetone on such as your lips or your eye. Apparently this has happened enough that the Original Super Glue Corporation actually has a webpage detailing what to do:

Should Super Glue bond to any body part where acetone should not be applied, such as the lips or eyes, the following steps will help you get out of any sticky situation!

• Skin
  Immerse bonded areas in warm, soapy water. Peel or roll skin apart; a spatula or teaspoon handle or even a pencil will help. Remove cured adhesive with warm, soapy water (may take several applications). Fingernail polish remover with an acetone base has also been successful for removal of cured adhesive from skin.
• Lips
  If lips are accidentally stuck together, apply a generous amount of warm water and encourage maximum wetting and pressure from saliva from inside the mouth. Peel or roll (do not pull) lips apart. It is almost impossible to swallow the adhesive as a liquid. The adhesive solidifies upon contact with saliva (moisture) and could adhere to the inside of the mouth. Saliva will lift the adhesive in 1-2 days, avoid swallowing the adhesive after detachment.
• Eyelid
  In the event that eyelids are stuck together or bonded to the eyeball, wash thoroughly with warm water and apply a gauze patch. The eye will open without further action within 1-4 days. To our knowledge there has never been a documented case of adhesive in the eye causing permanent damage. Do not try to force eyes open.
• Eyeball
  The adhesive will attach itself to the eye protein and will disassociate from it over time, usually within several hours. Periods of weeping and double vision may be experienced until clearance is achieved. Use of a warmed 3% sodium bicarbonate solution to wash eyes repeatedly may assist in aiding more rapid removal of the adhesive.
  WE SUGGEST THAT ALL INCIDENTS OF EYE EXPOSURE TO CYANOACRYLATE ADHESIVE (SUPER GLUE) BE DISCUSSED WITH A PHYSICIAN.

In other words, please don’t sue the shit out of us due to your own stupidity.

That’s what you’ll be thinking to yourself if you watch this compilation of people finding new and entertaining ways of injuring themselves and others in their immediate vicinity:

Several of those people are probably still feeling the pain from those adventures. Yikes!

I don’t believe in God, but if I did I’d have to say that he must have something against this poor girl:

Shannon Broome, 15, of Jacksonville, Florida, was home in bed recovering from a deadly SUV accident when an SUV plowed through the wall of her bedroom just after midnight Tuesday morning and pinned her against a wall, re-breaking the same leg that was shattered in a June accident that killed four of her friends. Broome [pictured] also suffered a broken pelvis, broken wrist and multiple broken ribs in Tuesday’s accident, according to her family’s attorney, Eric Block.

The driver of the SUV, 19-year-old Jacksonville resident Steven Nicholas Bryant, was allegedly looking at his cell phone when he veered off the road and plowed through a chain-link fence before hitting the house, according to the Jacksonville Sherriff’s Office report. Bryant has been cited for careless driving.

Cue Alanis Morissette.

If you’re going to take the job of protecting the country from terrorists into your own hands, it’s always best if you can tell the difference between a Greek Orthodox priest and an Arabic Terrorist. Apparently, despite being a Marine reservist, Jasen D. Bruce is not one of those people, but that didn’t stop him from stepping up when his country needed him most:

The incident took place around 6:35 p.m. Monday, police said. The priest, Alexios Marakis, 29, is from Crete, Greece. He is visiting St. Nicholas Greek Cathedral at 17 E Tarpon Ave. but police said he was in the Westshore area to bless another retired Greek priest.

But Marakis apparently got lost and exited northbound Interstate 275 into downtown Tampa, police said.

The priest followed several cars into the Seaport Channelside Apartments on Twiggs Street. He got out of his car and asked Bruce for help.

Instead of offering help, Bruce struck the priest on the head with a tire iron, police said.

He then chased the priest for three blocks to the Madison Avenue and Meridian Avenue, police said, and even called 911 to say that an Arabic man tried to rob him.

Next time perhaps he should call the police first and let them handle the situation before breaking out the tire iron.

Still, you’ve got to give Jasen credit for knowing when he’s screwed up big time:

The priest was taken to Tampa General Hospital. There, a translator helped Marakis speak to police.

Then officers went to Bruce’s apartment to speak to the reservist again. But he already had an attorney with him and refused to speak, police said.

I have a feeling someone is in for some anger management and racial sensitivity courses, at a minimum, in the near future.

The other day I’m sittin’ on the couch watching something I can’t recall at the moment, probably How It’s Made on the Discovery Channel, when an advertisement for something called Latisse comes on during a break. The ad features Brook Shields in what starts off looking like your typical push for a mascara product, but she ain’t shillin’ for mascara this time. No, Latisse is a drug that’s supposed to give you longer and fuller eye lashes. They bill it as the first FDA approved drug to treat, and I quote, “inadequate or not enough eyelashes.” According to their website the technical term for this condition is hyptrichosis, but according to the folks at the American Hair Loss Association I just linked to, that term is used by dermatologists to describe a condition of no hair growth. Which I suppose would be pretty inadequate eyelashes.

So I’m watching this ad unfold as they explain that you apply it to the base of your lashes on the upper eyelid and in a few weeks you’ll have eyelashes you could beat a horse to death with. Then they get into the traditional Listing Of The Side Effects phase of the ad. As they list off the numerous things that could go wrong my jaw slowly hit the floor. Here’s the official list directly from their website:

If you are using prescription products for lowering eye pressure or have a history of eye pressure problems, only use LATISSE® under close doctor supervision. May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent. There is a potential for hair growth to occur in areas where LATISSE® solution comes in repeated contact with skin surfaces. If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately about continued use of LATISSE®. The most common side effects after using LATISSE® solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness.

Got that? If you have a history of eye pressure problems then this drug could make them worse. It could darken up your eyelids so you look like you’ve got a couple of shiners from someone, but that may be, not necessarily is mind you, but may be reversible. It could also turn your eyes brown if they aren’t already and that’s not reversible. You could grow hair where you don’t want it to if you are sloppy in applying this product! Best of all it’s likely to make your eyes red and itchy like your allergies are acting up. But at least you won’t have inadequate lashes!

As it turns out, Latisse is actually just another drug, called Lumigan which is used to treat glaucoma, with a new name. One of the side effects of Lumigan is increased hair growth so it didn’t take much thinkin’ for someone to figure out that they could sell it to people who suffer from eyelash insecurity and make some extra bucks. If you go to their website they spend a lot of time downplaying the risks of the product, which should come as no big surprise.

The folks at the FDA, however, they ain’t too happy about that:

We’ve blogged about the new eyelash enhancement drug Latisse several times before. And we’ve talked about how the drug has some side effects that are rather serious for a cosmetic product, and that Allergan’s promotional materials tend to downplay such risks. Now the Food and Drug Administration has sent a warning letter to Allergan, saying that many claims on its website are misleading and, in fact, unlawful.

You can read the whole letter for yourself, but here some highlights.

Latisse’s Website says:
In the “Is Latisse safe?” section of the drug’s website: “The FDA reviewed clinical study results to verify the identity, potency, purity and stability of the ingredients, and demonstrated that the product is safe and effective for its intended use if used as prescribed.”

The FDA says:
This description is misleading and it fails to mention that Latisse may have side effects, or mention any of those side effects. It also implies, according to the FDA, that Latisse is “especially safe because the FDA has verified the identity, potency, purity, and stability of the ingredients.”

…

Latisse’s website says:
The site repeatedly mentions that the eye redness and itching that can accompany the use of Latisse are “not allergic reactions.”

The FDA says:
That’s misleading. In fact, allergic conjunctivitis is an adverse reaction reported with the use of the active ingredient, bimatoprost ophthalmic solution. Further, these symptoms are usually resolved only after discontinuing treatment with the drug. The FDA was particularly concerned about these claims, according to the letter, “because patients are highly unlikely to be able to differentiate between eye redness associated with conjunctival hyperemia, allergic reaction, or inflammation without the advice of a healthcare provider.”

The FDA lists off several misleading claims and has told the folks at Allergan they’d best be making some changes or they’ll be facing some fines.

If you watch the video you’ll be even more stunned to hear that it costs about $120 a month to use this drug and if you stop using it your lashes go back to their old wussy assed ways. So once you start I hope you can afford to keep using it while avoiding all those side effects. Now I’m no fashion diva, but that sounds like a lot to go through because you think some guy isn’t going out with you because your eyelashes are too thin and wispy.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret: In all my 42 years of being a guy I have never once heard a man say to me: “Ya know, she’s got a great personality and a body that would make the Pope give up celibacy, but I just can’t get past her inadequate eyelashes!”

I provide the following news item as proof of that statement:

Roman Hahslinger, a police spokesman, said: “He was a very religious man and had been scared when he was trapped in the lift and had prayed for release.

“A short while later he was pulled out of the elevator and he went straight to the church to thank God.

“He seems to have embraced a stone pillar on which the stone altar was perched and it fell on him, killing him instantly.

OK, maybe I still don’t believe God exists even with such astonishing proof, but you gotta love the irony of this event. Either that or God can’t stand suck-ups.

The following is a time lapse recording of Nicholas White’s 41 hour ordeal of being trapped in an elevator. The event itself happened in 1999 and the accompanying New Yorker article about it is from April of 2008, but this is the first time I’ve seen it.

I can vividly recall a trip to Chicago with my mother and brother as a child where I ended up momentarily trapped in an elevator. We were at a hotel and my brother and I headed to the elevator while mom was doing something at the front desk. We were standing in the car, me with bags of some sort in my arms and my brother holding the door open button, when my mother called Wes back over to the desk. Before I could follow him out the doors closed and the car started up.

I was under the age of 10 at the time and I can’t clearly recall how many floors the hotel had or which one we were on, but I do clearly recall the sudden panic I was gripped with. I put the bags down and started clawing at the doors and at some point, I think it was five or six floors up, I managed to pry the elevator doors open just prior to it reaching the next floor jamming the elevator into position and necessitating that I crawl up and out into the parking garage. The garage itself was a huge spiral ramp thing and I ended up running all the way down with both of the bags I had with me in my arms (I think they were grocery bags) bawling my eyes out the entire way. At one point a man in a car stopped to ask me if I needed help, but I wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers so I just kept running. It’s was a full on-panic kind of run and is probably why I remember fairly clearly.

The point of all that background is so I can say that I know the sort of panic being trapped in an elevator can cause so I felt a great deal of empathy watching that video. He really was trapped and for a ridiculous amount of time. I can only imagine how memories from my childhood would feed into my own panic if I were in a similar situation. Yikes!

It seems we’re getting into an ass-related theme during this Blogathon. Lots of people injuring themselves or others’ posteriors. As in one of the previous stories, this one involves the consumption of alcohol.

Viorel Firoiu, 48, of Romania was suffering from constipation and in his inebriated state hit upon the clever solution of using hand tools to cure it:

Dr Cristina Bontescu, spokeswoman for the local hospital where he turned up at the emergency unit, said: “He was a bit drunk and said he had been eating cherries that had left him badly constipated. He said he had a few drinks to dull the pain and then came up with the idea of poking a hammerhead up his backside in the hope of sorting out the constipation.

“But the hammerhead got stuck and then he came up with the idea of using a second hammerhead in order to try and get out the first – but then he lost the second one as well.”

It seems there’s a never ending line of people who find all manner of inappropriate objects to place up their rectums. Most of which, as in this case, require surgery to remove once inside the cavity. I realize that alcohol use lowers one’s inhibition and critical thinking skills, but it still seems like it would take a special kind of stupid to put two hammer heads up your ass.

SEB regular and friend of the family George Wiman, aka Decrepit Old Fool, appears to have done himself a wee bit of damage that landed him in the hospital. Mrs. DOF explains:

George has been admitted to the hospital.

Preliminary diagnosis Perforated Intestine.

We will update here as soon as possible.

[...] The surgeon suspects that Geo’s regular use of aspirin and/or ibuprofen to hold back the pain of his fibromyalgia and the bicycle accident from years ago is what bored a hole through the intestinal wall.

She says the hole was smaller than anticipated, there was very little leaking into the abdominal cavity, so cleaning out with antibiotics and sewing the hole closed worked out okay so far.

There is always a worry for infection and peritonitis in that body part, so antibiotics and several other medicines in an IV cocktail is what’s happening right now.

This evening he was able to stand with assistance beside the bed for a minute, which really helps with circulation, and breathing.

The medical crew on the Surgical Wing seems to be well-trained and willing to work together.

So many phone calls that my cell phone battery is out, only the second time I have done so since I got it.

It sounds like he’s doing OK and is through the worst of it, but it never hurts to have a lot of people go leave him Get Well Soon comments so consider this an invitation to do so.