Tag Archives: About Me

Stupid things I sometimes do.

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wereadultsI’m supposedly a mature adult with mature adult responsibilities, but at times I catch myself doing things that are, to put it simply, stupid. Things that put the lie to the idea that I am a mature and responsible anything.

Things like:

  1. Trying to sing the catchy instrumental parts of songs. I’ll be singing along to some song on the radio (like you do) and it’ll get to that awesome guitar solo and, rather than shut up like any normal person, I’ll attempt to sing along with gibberish noises that my inner five-year-old would like to believe sound exactly like the instrument I’m mimicking, but that actually sound like the death squeals of a cat caught in a taffy puller. Neener-neeeener-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-neener-NAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It’s even worse when it’s a drum solo or, heaven forbid, an oboe.
  2. Beatbox. I’ve done this one for years only I didn’t know it was called beatboxing until it became the hot shit thing to do on YouTube a few years back. I always called it “making stupid noises with my mouth.” In spite of my many decades of doing this I have nowhere near the talent of the people on YouTube. This is in part due to the fact that I don’t do it in an attempt to recreate the sounds of a drum kit producing a recognizable tune. It’s more of a way to disperse nervous energy in an annoyingly audible way that is almost always embarrassing when I get caught doing it. Which happens often because I don’t usually realize I’m doing it at the time. It’s like my mouth gets bored with not having anything to do and just starts spitting out random noises in an attempt to feel like it’s contributing to the task at hand. My wife catches me at it more than most. Usually prompting the question: “What the hell are you doing?”
  3. Talk back to the radio. Not because I’m angry, but because it amuses me. I often listen to NPR on the way into work and just before the break at the end of the hour both the hosts of Morning Edition as well as the local station will announce their names. I’m Steve Inskeep. And I’m Renee Montagne. And I’m Christina Shockley. To which I will always shout out “And I’m Les Jenkins” as if they could hear — or even give a damn — that I was there. Note that I’m the only person in the car when I do this so it’s not like I’m amusing anyone else.
  4. Announce my name to the waitperson at restaurants. Every time the waitperson walks up and says “Hi! My name is Laura McWaitress and I’ll be your waitress tonight.” I always say “Hi! My name is Les Jenkins and I’ll be your customer tonight.” It’s stupid and yet I do it all the time. It’s a testament to my wife’s patience that she’s gotten used to me doing this. Every. Damned. Time.
  5. Call a gyro (the food) a gyro (short for gyroscope). Granted there are a lot of people who make this mistake, but I’m doing it intentionally all so I can follow it up with a very stupid joke: “You know, the well-balanced meal?” This actually goes over pretty well in a college town like Ann Arbor. I’ve even had one waitress tell me she was going to use it on her Greek sister-in-law who was an engineer. It’s still a stupid thing to say.

There are other stupid things I sometimes do, but I can’t recall them at the moment. All of them are pretty much habits I’ve never been able to resist. Most folks who witness them smile at me weakly and make a mental note to avoid the weirdo if at all possible.

Amanda Palmer and the Art of Asking.

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Musician Amanda Palmer did a TED talk a couple of weeks ago about asking her fans for help when touring:

I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She basically says that there is a power in connecting with her fans and asking them for help over the years. It’s allowed her to drop the label she and her band had signed on with and give their music away for free. Ultimately it led to the most successful Kickstarter project for music ever. They asked for $100,000 for a new album and they got $1.2 million from their fans. All because they took a chance and asked.

I’m terrible with asking for help when it comes to matters of money, but I’ve had some first-hand experience with this in my own past. Back when my contract with Ford Motor Company was suddenly terminated in 2005 quite a few SEB regulars encouraged me to put up a donation link in the sidebar so they could help out. I was resistant to the idea at first because it felt like begging — which is what it was — but I put one up with the idea that I’d use it to pay for maintaining the website hosting. I figured I’d be back to work in short order as I always had been when previous contracts ended and I delayed signing up for unemployment which, of course, ended up getting me into trouble. By the time April rolled around I was in a crunch and I finally broke down and asked my readers for help.

Boy, did you guys ever come through. There was enough donations to keep me and my family afloat until the unemployment checks started coming in. I had never been so grateful of the generosity of strangers than I was then. I was sure that a job was just around the corner and we had made it through the worst of it. In the coming months Anne would land a job (she had been a stay-at-home mom during my time with Ford) and combined with my unemployment it was enough for us to get by. Ultimately it would be 10 months before I found work again and the unemployment benefits ended well ahead of that happening by a couple of months. So in October I again put my hat out and asked for some help and again my readers kept us afloat long enough for that long sought after job to finally arrive. The next few years were a bit of a roller coaster job-wise, but I managed to not ask for help again until may of 2010 when I was once again unemployed after my contract at a BigDot.Com Company — that I’m still technically not allowed to name due to a 5 year NDA — came to an end.

So, yeah, I’ve got some first-hand experience with what Amanda Palmer is talking about. Needless to say, my hangup about asking for help when I’m in trouble has diminished somewhat, but my hangup about asking for help when things are going OK remains.

I struggled with school growing up because it was apparent I was very smart, but I couldn’t seem to apply myself. (Thanks undiagnosed ADD.) I had any number of authority figures tell me on more than one occasion that I was a failure in the making and that I’d probably spend the rest of my life on welfare being a leach on society. It left quite an impression on me and I ended up — outside of a small period in my early 20′s — living with my parents until I was 31 because, well, I was afraid of trying to live on my own. So when I did get out on my own I resolved to try to be as self-supporting as possible. I made it 7 years in Canton and that included having my daughter come to live with me and getting married. That’s why when we ended up having to move in with my in-laws in the fall of 2005 due to my ongoing unemployment it felt like all those predictions had come to pass.

I mention all of this because back when I first moved into that apartment in Canton I believed I’d be in it for six months to a year while I paid off debts and saved up for the down payment on a house. Then life happened and that year turned into 7 and then the eventual move in with my in-laws. That was also only supposed to be 6 months to a year and it turned into two and a half years. The job with BigDot.Com Company is what got us back out on our own. Next thing I know I’m 45 years old and no closer to being a home owner than I’ve ever been and it’s not looking likely anytime soon. The housing market is starting to recover which means I’m be missing out on the best possible time to buy a house which is the only real plus to the fact that I played by the rules and didn’t become one of those subprime borrowers that were part of the housing bubble.

I want my own home badly. The itch gets particularly bad around holidays when I could be putting up decorations. It’d be nice to have the room to be able to entertain more than a couple of guests at a time. I want a nice sized basement to host my own LAN parties in. Our rent is right around what a decent mortgage payment would be anyway. Anne and I tried looking at some homes last fall and were even pre-approved by a mortgage company so long as we could come up with the 3% down payment for whatever we were looking at. Yeah, that’s not going to happen any time soon. We’re doing OK, but it seems like whenever we manage to save some money life happens and we end up having to spend it.

No, I’m not about to ask you folks to help me with a down payment. Like Palmer says, it doesn’t feel like I have the right. It would be especially hypocritical considering what I wrote about Save Karyn back in 2002. She’s the young woman who had racked up $20,000 in credit card dept on shit she didn’t need and then begged on the Internet for help in paying it off. It worked. In just 4 months using a combination of selling some of her stuff on eBay and accepting donations she had it completely paid off. Then she wrote a book about it.

The reason I don’t have a problem with Amanda Palmer’s crowd sourcing is because she’s giving something back to her fans. They’re getting something for their money in supporting her. Alas, I don’t have any particular talents that I could use for a Kickstarter campaign. I can’t sing, dance, or play an instrument. No skill at drawing or painting. Writing is about the only creative thing I do regularly, but every attempt I’ve made at a book (fiction or not) has never gotten far before it collapsed under its own mediocrity.  Even if I were to consider my blogging to be enough (I don’t) I’m not active enough anymore to justify the request. I see interesting and unique ideas from other folks out there all the time that I could have done had I thought of it, but I don’t want to just be a pale imitation of someone else. For supposedly being a creative person I don’t appear to be all that imaginative or good at anything in particular. Which just kills me because I’m just extroverted enough that I’d enjoy the hell out of entertaining folks for some of their spare change.

I’ve experienced the power of asking first hand and it’s as amazing as Amanda Palmer says it is. Hopefully I’ll come up with something I can do to make it possible to experience it again. I’ll keep scratching my head and trying to think of something. There’s gotta be something I’m good at.

My glamorous life as professional patient model.

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I have a great doctor who is not only wicked smart, but manages to keep me in relatively good health considering how unhealthy I tend to be. Dr. CK is also very patient with me when I offer lame excuses for not doing what she told me to do to lose weight the last dozen times she saw me. She’s even cool enough to drop by SEB on occasion and leave a comment.

When my back sprain flared up over a month ago my wife made me an appointment to see my doctor so she could gently chide me for not doing the things she told me to do the last time I had a flare up. She was happy to hear that I had purchased an elliptical exercise machine and amused that it’s been used more as a coat rack as is required by Federal Law. After the exam she gave me a couple of prescriptions including one to start Physical Therapy, which I have done, and she left the room.

A few moments later she swept back into the room with a form in her hand and said, “You’re never gonna guess what I’m going to ask of you.” To which I agreed I wasn’t going to ever be able to guess. It seems the folks at Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan put out a newsletter every so often and they wanted to do an article on Dr. CK and her commitment to patient communication. To go along with the article they wanted to get some pictures of her interacting — or “communicating” – with a patient and they just happened to have shown up and I was one of Dr. CK’s favorite patients (everyone loves me) so she wanted to know if I would consent to being a Patient Model. (Note: I don’t know if that’s an official title, but it’s what I made up just now so I’m using it.) Being the narcissist that I am I naturally said yes. The photographer came in and we spent maybe 10 or 15 minutes going through various poses such as doctor-pointing-out-worrying-result-on-her-tablet-computer and doctor-stereo-typically-listening-to-patient’s-heart-like-every-picture-of-a-doctor-ever and finishing with doctor-and-patient-both-smiling-at-the-camera-for-no-apparent-reason.

That was a couple of weeks ago. Yesterday I get an email from her letting me know the article has been published online with a link to it included (warning: PDF file). Given the number of pictures they took I was curious to see how many and which ones they used. The article has two pics. One of her alone smiling at the camera and one of us together. The latter being the most unintentionally hilarious one possible in part because they went with the stereo-typical-doctor-listening-to-patient’s-heart pic, but also because… well… just look at it for yourself after the jump.

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One man’s solution to the obesity problem: Fat-shaming.

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meanwhileinamericaBy now it’s pretty common knowledge that Americans have a growing (get it?) obesity problem. The word epidemic is used quite a bit to describe how big a problem it is. According to the Center for Disease Control the percentage of adults over 20 who are obese was 35.9% in 2009-2010. My home state, Michigan, is the fifth heaviest in the Union with 32% of adults here qualifying as obese. At 299.3 pounds I’m certainly part of the problem and I’m paying the price with things like my recent back problems.

So there’s really no argument here. We’re a bunch of fat bastards who could stand to lose a few pounds, but how do you get people to go about doing so? In Michigan the state government is rolling out a program to try and encourage folks (like me) to get off their fat asses and shed at least 10% of the body weight through exercise and eating a better diet. The program will mostly be an educational effort telling folks about the dangers of being overweight and offering encouragement to do better via an online website and/or text messages.

I can tell you that I know it probably won’t work on me. I’m already well aware of the potential problems of being obese and despite making some attempts to do something about it — choosing the weight watcher options when eating out and buying an elliptical that clogs up my living room collecting dust — I’m rapidly not losing any weight at all. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and I’ve been hovering around the 300 pound mark for several years now.

I can tell you what else won’t work. This guy’s solution of Fat-shaming:

Fat-shaming may curb obesity, bioethicist says – TODAY Health.

Daniel Callahan, a senior research scholar and president emeritus of The Hastings Center, put out a new paper this week calling for a renewed emphasis on social pressure against heavy people — what some may call fat-shaming — including public posters that would pose questions like this:

“If you are overweight or obese, are you pleased with the way that you look?”

Actually, yes, I wear my weight pretty well. A lot of folks who know me personally are surprised when I say I’m just a smidgen under 300 pounds. Sure, I’m heavy, but I don’t look that fat to most folks. It helps that I’m tall so it’s spread out a bit more than most. I’ve had folks describe me as “solid” when I’m about as solid as a giant marshmallow (and probably not even that solid). For a fat guy, I look pretty good. At least with my clothes on.

Callahan outlined a strategy that applauds efforts to boost education, promote public health awareness of obesity and curb marketing of unhealthy foods to children.

But, he added, those plans could do with a dose of shame if there’s any hope of repairing a nation where more than a third of adults and 17 percent of kids are obese.

“Safe and slow incrementalism that strives never to stigmatize obesity has not and cannot do the necessary work,” wrote Callahan in a Hastings Center Report from the nonprofit bioethics think tank.

The author circa Sep. 2010. I've not changed much since.

The author circa Sep. 2010. I’ve not changed much since.

The problem with this idea (to use the term generously) is that it assumes there isn’t any stigma or fat-shaming already taking place. I don’t get much of that myself because apparently I scare people by being big and beardy, but my sister has put up with it throughout her entire life. I can tell you that it doesn’t work as a motivation, though it does a great job of destroying one’s sense of self-worth. Of the three of us siblings, my younger sister is probably the best of us in terms of compassion, generosity, and just generally being a decent person yet she has been on the receiving end of some of the most heartless comments I’ve ever heard anyone receive about their weight. It’s probably safe to say that women in general have always suffered more from the stigma of being overweight because we, as a society, tend to hold them up to some pretty ridiculous ideals shaped and promoted by popular media whereas most men are considered halfway to genius if they can tie their shoes without drooling all over themselves. How many sitcoms over the years have had pudgy — if not outright obese — oafish, middle-aged men married to thin, attractive, brainy wives?

But I digress. The point is that there’s already plenty of fat-shaming and stigma being tossed around at fat people out there. Quite a lot of it coming from fat people themselves. I’m not sure how encouraging such behavior is going to improve anything in terms of getting folks to shed some pounds.

It certainly won’t work on me. My problem isn’t an educational one. I already know I’m not at a healthy weight and I’m well aware of the health risks that come with it. I’ve watched an uncle suffer from Adult Onset Diabetes before his death and my dad is struggling with it now having had it cost him most of his eyesight. My own back gives out on me on a semi-regular basis because it gets tired of carrying around all the excess weight.

My problem is motivation. I’ve never enjoyed exercise even when I was skinny way back in my youth. Which isn’t to say I never got any back then, but it was because I was “playing” not “exercising.” Riding my bike, playing baseball, running around like a crazy person pretending he’s a superhero, that was all exercise that didn’t feel like exercise. Then I became an adult and got a car and into computers and most of what I did for fun stopped being so physical and the pounds came rolling in. The non-exercise that was really exercise disguised as play went away and I didn’t have any real-exercise habits to take up the slack. And I hate exercising. Just typing the word sets my teeth on edge. Hated it back in school. Jumping jacks? Running laps? Sit ups? What kind of idiot do you think I am? When do we get to the fucking dodgeball game??

It took me 34 years to switch from regular sodas to diet pop and when I did it helped me lose about 40 pounds only to gain it all back within the next year. It took me another 6 years to give up on diet sodas. For the past four years or so the majority of the liquid I consume is plain old tap water. I hate water. I hate drinking water. I hate every single nanosecond of it. Not as much as I used to hate it, but I still hate it. Yet I do it. It took me entirely too long to make the switch even knowing it was a healthier choice and I would be better off for it.

I have the feeling that the same will be true of getting into the habit of exercise. I’ve made some starts at it in the last year or two and breaking down and actually buying a piece of exercise equipment was a big step in that process. Even if I’ve not been great at using it regularly. Part of the reason I keep it in the living room instead of moving it to the basement is, well, it’s because the fucker is too damned heavy to move down the stairs by myself, but also because having it in the living room gnaws at my subconscious and reminds me that I really do need to start getting on the damned thing. This latest round of back problems has been severe enough that it’s acting as a great motivator as well. It’s amazing how your body just giving the fuck up will get your stupid brain’s attention really fucking quick.

For as smart as I supposedly am, it seems I just have to do some things the hard way. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. I feel stupid for knowing how stupid it is. Yet it is my nature and I will continue to struggle with it — probably in the stupidest way possible.

Happy New Year 2013! And some small commentary.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013New Years Day has always been a weird holiday for me. For much of my childhood I didn’t really understand what folks were celebrating. It just seemed like an excuse to drink and eat a lot and stay up way past your normal bed time. Not that that’s a bad reason, but the celebration always seemed to be way more than necessary for reasons as simple as that.

At the age of 45 I now realize it’s a celebration of having made it to the new year at all. Life can be rough and each year brings with it new trials and tribulations that makes arriving at the dawn of yet another year something very much worthy of the celebrations we engage in. It’s a time to remember those who didn’t make it this far and to hope for a brighter future for all of us to come.

Compared to past years, 2012 went pretty well for me. It was my first year as a full-time employee at my current job. I’ve been a contractor for most of my career — over 20+ years — and it was great to finally be a “real” employee for a change. It was also the year we said goodbye to Melvin, the Official SEB Cat. We enjoyed his company for eight years and he was as good a cat as you could hope for.

I am hopeful about 2013, but we already know that bad things are on the horizon. My father-in-law has terminal cancer and we expect he only has a few months left before we have to say goodbye to him for the last time. I am arriving at that age where losing loved ones is no longer an unexpected event, but a natural consequence of the passage of time. It’s a phase of life we are all destined to go through, but not one I look forward to. The are other smaller challenges ahead as well. This year I really need to get serious about dropping some of my weight as I am waking up with a sore back near daily now. I’ve been hovering at just under 300 pounds for too many years and it’s starting to get intolerable.

It’s going to be another year of trials and tribulations, but there will be plenty of victories large and small to celebrate along the way. If I should be lucky enough to surmount the troubles and ride the highs to find myself at the dawn of another new year in 355 more days I will once again pause to remember and celebrate my good fortune. Happy New Year to you and yours. May it have more to celebrate than to mourn.

How I rank on the “Rules for life after 35.”

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I don’t recall how I stumbled across this article on CNN.com by Columnist Leigh Newman, which is actually from Oprah.com apparently, but I did and I read it and I figured it was worth blogging about because what the hell.

Apparently Leigh has decided that those of us who have hit the big three five — or older — could use a guide to what she thinks you should and shouldn’t do. Here’s how well I conform to her list:

1. A true sign of love is giving your partner the soft pillow.

I do even better than that. I make sure there’s enough soft pillows for both of us. Though at the age of 45 I’m finding that I sleep better with a firmer pillow over a softer one.

2. Always give money to the girl with the violin or the guy with the guitar.

I don’t do this. Not because I’m opposed to it, but because A) I don’t think I’ve ever passed someone playing any instrument on a street corner in my life (even in hip Ann Arbor) and B) I don’t tend to carry cash on me. If I should ever happen upon such a situation and if I just happened to have a couple of bucks in my pocket then, yeah, I’d probably toss a note or two their way.

3. Never leave a hospital with a newborn but without a birth certificate.

Courtney is an only child and, due to the circumstances around her birth, I didn’t leave the hospital with her or her birth certificate. Officially, again due to the circumstances at the time, I don’t think my signature shows up on it. I have no idea if it’s too late for me to sign it or not. It’s one of those things I keep meaning to look into and then forget ever thinking about.

4. Everybody loves a doughnut. Everybody. Even divorce lawyers.

This seems less like a rule or suggestion as much as a statement of the obvious, though I actually know someone who doesn’t like doughnuts.

5. If you think you need concealer, you need concealer.

I’m assuming this one is aimed at women. I’ve never thought I needed concealer. Spackle maybe, but never concealer.

6. Thank-you notes. Always.

Another thing I never do. Yes I realize this makes me one of the most horrible people ever, but that doesn’t stop me from completely failing to send thank-you notes. I will make thank-you phone calls or thank-you at the time of receiving whatever it is I’m thankful for, but I’ve never mastered the art of sending thank-you notes.

7. Leggings are not pants.

I know that. Who doesn’t know that? I don’t know a fucking thing about fashion and even I know that.

8. When you see someone you know but don’t feel like talking to them, don’t look at the grass in the park or study a jar of mayonnaise on the supermarket shelf and pretend you don’t see them. They know you’re faking, and they’ll remember.

Not a problem for me. I’ve never been shy about telling someone that I don’t feel like talking to them. Usually I’ll say something subtle like “I don’t feel like talking to you right now. I’ll catch you up later.” Or, if it’s someone I don’t ever want to talk to, “I would rather tear my tongue out with an industrial blender than speak another word to you.”

9. There are only three real answers: yes, no and yes but later.

That makes answering questions like “What is your name?” somewhat awkward.

10. People notice wrapping paper, not wrapping skills.

I am a horrible gift wrapper person. My gifts to others always look like they were wrapped by blind rabid weasels without a clear understanding of the point of wrapping gifts or how tape is properly applied. These days the only gifts I wrap personally are from me to my wife because pretty much all the other gifts given (e.g. to nieces nephews/parents/siblings) are joint gifts from both of us and she actually knows how to wrap gifts to look amazing.

11. You will never change anybody’s opinion about whether or not the bathwater is too hot or too cold.

Which is part of why the wife and I shower separately. I apparently scald myself clean each morning by her standards of what constitutes too hot. Whereas her showers leave my teeth chattering.

12. Go to bed. Go to bed. I know it’s only 10:30 p.m., but go to bed!

Another thing I am terrible at though I do try to get off my computer/stop watching TV by 10:30PM. By the time I get done with before-bed preparations it’s usually 11:30PM or later.

13. No tattoos on the neck. On you or anyone else.

I don’t have any tattoos at all. Never could settle on what I wanted to make a permanent part of my body. Eventually stopped thinking about it and spent the money on computer parts.

14. Moms like scented candles. It’s not a crime to give them one every month.

This seems like another one of those universal truths that is really neither much like the “everybody loves doughnuts” one back up the list. My wife is a (step)mom and she doesn’t particularly care for scented candles. Of the two of us I’m the more likely to want a scented candle, but we don’t have many or use them often because cats.

15. If you tell somebody to go away, they will hang around.

Depends on how you tell them. I’ve never had a problem making people go away. Must be my natural charm and grace.

16. Nonstop flights are worth the extra money.

Agreed, though my time flying has been pretty much nil for well over a decade now, back when I was doing it regularly for a job the nonstop flights were always worth the extra money. Especially if it wasn’t my money.

17. If you see lilacs or water balloons in April, you absolutely must buy them. Due to their short lifespan in water (lilacs) and the fact that all stores now sell summer novelty items in spring so that they can sell Halloween stuff in summer (water balloons), you only have five smoking-hot seconds to purchase either item for other people—and cause them to fall down in a shuddering fit of joy. And yes, adults do, too, love water balloons.

I fail at this as well, though the advice is good about all novelty or seasonal items. Christmas lights, for example, need to be purchased early in the season if you want the best selection because by the second week of December all the good stuff is pretty much gone.

Never cared for lilacs and, as an adult, I don’t have much occasion for water balloons so those two items aren’t particularly relevant to me.

18. Lifting your tongue to the roof of your mouth while taking a photo helps smooth out a double chin.

I prefer to just grow a huge and unruly beard. I can see how that would be an unappealing option for most women, but it works for me.

19. Books. Books. More Books.

A pretty vague bit of advice, but I’m never against the encouragement of reading a good book as often as you can manage.

20. Men who don’t put their face in the water are men you may not date or marry. You can swim or not swim, but you can’t half-swim. That is like half-walking, half-thinking or half-falling in love. The guy has to put his face in the water, even if it’s cold and dark.

I thought this was a euphemism at first, but upon rereading I guess it’s not. I don’t swim much these days because if I spend any time laying on the beach invariably a group of hippies gets together, splashes water on me, and continually tries to roll me back out into the ocean all the while wondering aloud why such a majestic animal would decide to beach itself.

OK that’s a flat out lie. I’ve never been in the ocean.

That said, I’m not sure that whether or not someone “half-swims” is an indicator of a good mate. I can think of better examples of commitment than whether or not a dude is willing to put his face in the water. Or is it a bravery issue? Not that I can see what’s so brave about it either. Then again, I have no problem submerging in water other than my natural buoyancy.

21. The five-second food-on-the-floor rule is really the 30-second food-on-the-floor rule. Except in houses with dogs.

Bzzzzt. Wrong. The five second rule is really the zero second rule unless it can be washed off and cooked. Even a second on a floor, no matter how clean it is, is enough to contaminate it pretty badly. Granted, some amount of dirt in your life is a healthy thing, but I walk on my floors and I know where my shoes have been. And what about cats? You’re OK with car fur all over your food?

22. There is a color you love that does NOT look good on you. Stop wearing it! (This rule is also known as: Don’t wear green, Leigh.)

This one I haven’t a clue on. If there’s a color that doesn’t look good on me I’ve yet to be informed about it from anyone who gives a shit. Even if I had been I’d probably ignore the advice if the article of clothing is particularly comfortable. Comfort always takes precedence over fashion for me.

23. Parents love the friend who offers to hold their baby so they can drink a beer.

Parents love the friend who babysits so they can go out for dinner and a movie even more. As I recall, most of the beer drinkers in my extended family have never had much of a problem holding a baby and drinking a beer at the same time. At least not for the first half-dozen or so beers.

24. Whispering makes children do just about anything. Which is important to remember when you’re about to yell.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You must not have any kids. Whispering works on occasion, but usually only if it’s not your kid.

25. There is only one clothing size. Yours. Baggy stuff makes you feel thin but look fat. Tight stuff is just plain painful.

I am fat. Fuck you. I wear baggy not to feel thin, but because it’s comfortable.

26. You do not like fried clams or salt water taffy. You like the romance of the boardwalk. You don’t have to eat food that will make you feel ill on the roller coaster just to revel in the seaside atmosphere.

That seems awfully presumptuous on your part. You don’t even know me. It’s true that I don’t like clams, fried or otherwise, but I do enjoy saltwater taffy every so often. I’ve never been on a boardwalk and have never eaten any food just for the atmosphere.

You sure this list is meant for other people?

27. Take the stairs. Except if you’re on your way to a date or an interview.

I generally take the stairs whenever I can, but I don’t encounter them often enough outside my apartment for it make much of a difference.

28. You will never run out of ideas—or love. So put them out there in the world. You’ll have plenty more tomorrow.

I’ve been blogging for ten years. I think I’ve got this one covered.

I was going to post this sooner, but…

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I’m a major procrastinator. Have been for much of my life. It’s one of those things about myself that I keep meaning to improve on, right after this next turn of Civilization 5 is done.Or this episode of a TV show I’m watching (for the fifth time) finishes.

Thankfully I’m not alone in my failing and science has been working out why so many of us can’t seem to get a start on those New Year resolutions we made before the next new year rolls around:

I’ll probably try a couple of the suggestions in that video to see if they help me at all…

…just as soon as I hit level 90 in World of Warcraft.

Once again I stand on the precipice of a decision.

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SEB’s domain name expires on September 9th and I’m debating on whether or not I should renew it. There are a number of factors contributing to this not the least of which is how infrequently I blog these days. It seems my days of writing lengthy posts pontificating on whatever happened to catch my attention are very few and far between compared to the early days of SEB. I don’t know if that’s an indication of having said all I have to say or a growing sense of apathy about the things I used to be passionate about. Most of my entries are throwaways that are barely worth dropping by the site to see. I haven’t even followed through in a decision I made awhile back to practice writing short stories on the blog to develop that skill further.

Further adding to the sense of malaise is the recent escalation of the civil war going on in the Atheist community. For the past year, since at least the events of ElevatorGate, there’s been a raging shitstorm that has come to a head with one faction deciding it’s time to become proto-religious with a new movement they’re calling Atheism+ and they’re demanding people choose which side they’re going to be on lest they decide for them. I’ve seen people I respect in both camps stoop to new lows in the ongoing debate battle over the atheism “movement” and who’s going to control it and, frankly, I’m sick of the whole thing. I’ve deleted all atheism specific blogs from my blogroll (along with many I’m just not reading anymore or that are defunct) and will follow my own fucking path. This isn’t to say that I won’t talk about atheism and religion if I should continue on with SEB, but for the moment I’m too disgusted with the so-called movement to pay them any attention.

The third and final issue that’s prompting this possible abandonment of blogging is the ongoing malware issue SEB has been suffering from. I realize, now, that it was a mistake to move from ExpressionEngine to WordPress. This system is so full of holes and the community is so unhelpful (I had to figure out the WordPress XML import format on my own just to make the transition) that it’s been way more of a hassle than it’s been worth. The templating system is a nightmare, I’ve had to install way more plugins than should be necessary to get it to do what I want, and it seems once the malware gets its hooks into your site getting rid of it is extremely difficult. As you can see, I’ve had to drop to the default template and remove every plugin in my latest attempt to fix things. Things like the SEB Podcasts are now unplayable, most of the anti-comment spam systems are gone (I have reinstalled akismet) which means the moderation queue is filling up fast, and general usability enhancements like being able to edit your comments or the formatting toolbar are gone. All of that and there’s still no guarantee the malware won’t be back. Clearly I’m too much of an idiot for WordPress.

I’ve been at this for ten and a half years now. When I started blogging there were only a few blogs talking about the stuff I cared about. Now there are tons of them and many of them do a much better job of it than I ever have(and are way more popular to boot). I’ve come close to quitting before and I always found a reason to continue on. Now I’m at that point again and I’m doing some major self-reflection to see which decision I should go with.

I suppose I have till September 9th to figure it out.

I have a love/hate relationship with my fellow humans.

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I’ve always thought of myself as a people person. I can get along with just about anybody most of the time. At work there are plenty of people whom I probably wouldn’t agree with on issues such as politics or religion, but I get along with them just fine. My neighbors and I manage to live side by side without any conflicts to speak of and most of the people I interact with briefly throughout the day don’t do anything to raise my ire. This is mainly because most of these interaction don’t involve the sharing of personal opinions and beliefs. Whenever I’m exposed to the opinions of the general public at large I find myself starting to seriously dislike people in general.

Take, for instance, my car ride in this morning. Traffic can often get my dander up because it’s an indirect exposure to someone else’s (wrong) opinions on how one should drive their car, but that’s not what got me riled up this morning. Today it was a local commercial radio station’s morning show conversation.

The lead host was talking about how during a recent trip the smell of the complementary shampoos at the hotel he was staying at was so good that he made sure to take the extra bottles they put out during his stay. He was feeling a little guilty about coming home with three extra mini-bottles of this shampoo, but he didn’t think he’d be able to find the brand locally. This started a conversation with the co-hosts about hoarding “complimentary” things such as shampoos, condiments, detergents, et cetera. One of the female hosts is apparently known to take all of any freebies she’s offered on the reasoning that “they expect you to use them.” I was amazed by that attitude, but I wasn’t really annoyed by it. Then they opened up the topic to their listeners.

The first lady who called said she never has to buy condiments (read: ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise) because she makes a point of grabbing extra packets at restaurants when she’s eating out. Normally just one or two more than she needs, but occasionally a handful stuffed into her purse when she’s running low on something. She also takes extra creamer cups and sugar packets in gas stations even if she’s not getting coffee at the time.

Now to me, that’s outright theft. Yes, they are complimentary items being offered, but there’s an expectation that you’re purchasing the item it’s intended to be used with and you’re only going to use enough for the item you’re putting it in/on right there. I suppose we could argue over how much is reasonable to use, but I find the attitude that you can take as much as you want because “well, it’s free” to be annoying. It’s not free. Someone is paying for it and probably passing along the cost of the hoarding by increasing the price of other products to compensate for the greedy assholes grabbing fistfuls wherever they can.

But that lady wasn’t the worst of the lot. Another lady caller admitted to pilfering rubber gloves from her doctor’s office. “Because they’re awesome for cleaning the toilet with.” Not just a couple here and there, mind you, she admitted to having stolen 500 at a time. Now I don’t know what doctor office she goes to, but I’ve never been to one where the patients were given complimentary rubber gloves. Those are there for the doctors and nurses to use, not you.

It was at this point that I had to turn off the radio because I was developing a serious hate for people in general. I don’t tend to listen to commercial radio as it is because most of the music these days is shit, but I should know better to listen to Morning Shows that let the general public demonstrate how contemptible it can be. It’s the same reason I never ever listen to Talk Radio. Not even on NPR. I’ve tried to listen to Talk of the Nation on NPR and I’ll be fine right up to the point that they start taking calls and the general public tries to express an opinion without drooling all over themselves and then I have to shut it off. It’s also why I’m very selective about which blogs and websites I read comments on. I rarely read comments on Fark.com or YouTube.com unless I think the topic will provide some humorously stupid comments and I avoid message forums like the plague.

Most of the time this keeps my blood pressure in check, but you can’t live in any society without being exposed to the idiocy of your fellow people from time to time. When it gets really bad I begin to despair for the future of humanity, but just when I think I’ve turned into a cantankerous old coot waggling his cane and screaming at those damned kids to get the fuck off of my lawn, I come across something like this:

This is 19 year old Shep being cradled in his father’s arms last night in Lake Superior. Shep falls asleep every night when he is carried into the lake. The buoyancy of the water soothes his arthritic bones.

The above photo was taken by pro photographer Hannah Stonehouse Hudson and I found it to be stunningly powerful. Apparently a lot of other people have too as it quickly went viral on Facebook. For reasons I cannot fully articulate, it moved me emotionally and made all the crap that got me riled up earlier this morning just fade away.

I don’t know what political views or religious perspective the man in that picture may hold and I really don’t care. The single moment caught in that image is enough to restore my faith in humanity, at least for a little while. I suppose on the grand scale of things that could make me feel good about my fellow humans this is a pretty small thing, but then most of the things I got all torqued up about this morning were pretty small too.

I don’t know that we do enough good things in this world to outweigh all the bad things we do, but I’d like to think it at least balances out in the end. That there’s enough good done to make the journey worthwhile and, if we’re lucky, improve things as time goes on.

Sometimes I just don’t seem to be very good at life.

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Not sure if actually have free time or just forgetting everything.

Probably the latter of the two possibilities most of the time.

It’s ten minutes to 11pm and I should really be in bed, but I can’t sleep because I’ve got a toothache that I really shouldn’t have.

You see, I was hired in by my current company last October ending a long-period (20+ years) of working as a contractor and I’ve had dental insurance almost from the time I was hired. Not long after that I became aware of at least two cavities in my teeth that I’ve been meaning to get into a dentist to have taken care of before they got any worse as well as just generally getting things cleaned up after having gone so long without health insurance. Naturally this means I never got around to making an appointment. Now here we are some nine months later and one of my molars on the right side has started to ache which means it’s probably far gone enough that I’ll have to have a root canal and add another crown to my collection.

I don’t have a good excuse as to why I didn’t make an appointment back in October when I first got the insurance. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it since then. Every now and then I’d have something remind me that I’d been meaning to get to the dentist and I should really make an appointment. Usually those reminders occurred at times when making an appointment wasn’t possible because the office was closed. So I’d resolve to make the appointment first thing next morning after getting to work and by the time I got to work I’d have forgotten all about my resolution only to remember well after the office closed that night. I’ve had literally months of opportunities to get this done and I have managed to fail at it every single time it occurred to me. Now I have a toothache and will have no problem remembering come the morning. Assuming I’m not too tired to think straight. I’m a fairly intelligent guy. You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem for me. My knee-jerk impulse it to blame my ADD, but while that may be a contributing factor you’d still think that 9 months is more than enough time to get it done.

It’s not just dentist appointments either. Two weeks ago we spent nearly $300 buying me five pairs of much needed summer shorts and a new Hawaiian shirt from the local Tall and Fat guy store. In that time I’ve discovered that one of the pair of khaki shorts has the neat feature of having the front pockets sewn shut by an overly enthusiastic worker someplace in whatever overseas country they made them in. I was willing to let that slide until I wore a pair of jean shorts that lasted one entire day before the metal riveted button that holds them closed decided to pop off. And it wasn’t because they were too tight, I have to wear a belt to keep them up on my waist. I still have the receipt so I put the shorts back in the bag and set it aside to put in the car so I could drop by the store on the way home and get them replaced. That was last week. The bag still hasn’t made it into the car because every morning that I’ve thought about it I’ve managed to forget in record time shortly thereafter. According to the store, I have 90 days to take care of it. I’m worried that may not be enough time.

I say that because this past Christmas our string of wicked cool icicle lights decided to stop working just two weeks after we put them up. We’ve only used them two seasons before so I called the manufacturer to see if they were still under warranty, which they were as it was for three years. All I had to do was box them up and ship them back with a note explaining what was wrong with them (e.g. They don’t work) and they’d check them out and replace them. It’s July and guess where those lights are sitting. At this point they’re probably out of warranty. I keep meaning to check.

I think part of the problem is that I deal with my ADD in part by having a routine that I follow day in and day out. The weekends aren’t quite as routine, but even they have a familiar pattern. Anything that requires a deviation from the routine can be a major challenge for me it seems and I’m left feeling like I really don’t know what I’m doing. The fact that I’m aware of this shortcoming and have every real and serious intention of addressing it and consistently fail to do so is very discouraging. It means there’s a lot of things I keep meaning to take care of that never actually get done. This affects my professional life as well so I devote even more energy to addressing that part of my life (mainly through liberal use of Post-it™ notes on my monitor) and, for the most part, I keep the absentmindedness to a minimum at work. Which leaves that much less energy to do so in my personal life.

In the end I pay the price with the occasional toothache or by missing out on having things replaced under warranty and feeling kinda stupid for not being able to get my act together. I keep hoping that one of these days I’ll learn to do the things I keep meaning to do but don’t manage to and life will be perfect. Hopefully I won’t run out of healthy teeth before then.