All this because spring is finally here. Not much of a sign, but it’ll do.

The term attention-deficit disorder turns out to be a misnomer. Most people who have it actually have remarkably good attention spans as long as they are doing activities that they enjoy or find stimulating. As Martha B. Denckla of the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore has noted, we should probably be calling the condition something like “intention-inhibition disorder,“ because it is a condition in which one’s best intentions — say, reading 50 pages in a dense textbook or writing a 10-page paper in a timely fashion — go awry.

Essentially, A.D.H.D. is a problem dealing with the menial work of daily life, the tedium involved in many school situations and 9-to-5 jobs.

Another hallmark, impulsivity, or its more positive variant, spontaneity, appears to be a vestige from lower animals forced to survive in the wild. Wild animals cannot survive without an extraordinary ability to react. If predators lurk, they need to act quickly.

This vestige underscores the fact that human genetic variability, the fact that we are not all simply clones of one another, has allowed us to survive as a species for 150,000 years in a variety of contexts and environments.

In essence, attention-deficit disorder is context driven. In many situations of hands-on activities or activities that reward spontaneity, A.D.H.D. is not a disorder.

Given my own personal experiences with being ADHD and all that I’ve read about it since finding out that I was ADHD I must say that I’m glad to see this viewpoint gaining wider consideration. There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m literally just wired differently than a lot of other folks are and that difference has as many advantages as it does disadvantages. I’ve managed to build a career as a respected Computer Technician in spite of having little formal training in them simply because I’ve been able to focus so much attention on them thanks to having an interest and being ADHD. I’m certain I wouldn’t be half as good at my job if I weren’t ADHD. Less important from a making-a-living standpoint, but important to me as a form of recreation is how good at video games being ADHD makes me.

Once I learned about ADHD and how it impacts my life I was able to recognize when it was being a disadvantage and make adjustments to my behavior to compensate. Since I was laid off last year I’ve not been on the prescription of Adderall I was using during my time at Ford and I can definitely tell the difference, but I’m not sure if I want to go back to using it or not once I’m back in a position where I’ve got medical benefits to cover it with. It certainly makes aspects of my life easier to be on the medication as fitting in with the rest of society is sometimes difficult when your brain is wired differently, but me on Adderall isn’t the real me in some respects. The growing concern over possible health effects of long-term use of that and other drugs commonly used to treat ADHD is another point to consider. Which brings me to my daughter, Courtney, who is also ADHD. Her grades at school were affected by having to stop using Adderall as she had been during my time at Ford. She’s had to work a lot harder to try and keep up with things and she’s not doing as well as she was with the help of the drugs. She, like I, has days when she wishes she could go back on the prescription and then other days when she doesn’t really want to. I know that I come home at the end of the day mentally exhausted from trying to stay focused during the day and Courtney is in a similar state, but the medication can also contribute to sleepless nights on occasion because it is a stimulant.

It comes down to a couple of heavy questions: I’m big on the idea of accepting myself for who and what I am so is it a betrayal of who I am to take a drug that makes me more like everyone else? More importantly, is it right for me to impose that change on my daughter for the sake of her getting good grades?

For the moment it’s a moot point as I don’t have medical benefits at this time and I can’t afford to pay for the prescriptions myself, but I’m hoping that won’t always be the case. Still I’m very happy to see that ADHD is being recognized as a “context-driven disorder” because that’s exactly what it is. Depending on the context it can be an advantage or a disadvantage. There is no cure, we’re just different that way.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t want to be cured of it even if it were possible. It’s part of who I am and I’ve accepted that.

JetBlue Airways CEO and founder David Neeleman is famously frank about his ADHD. He was diagnosed in 2001, seven years after he realized he had it. By then, he’d already founded and then sold Morris Air. He had done so well in his own eccentric way that he felt he was doing fine without medication. Still, Neeleman says he’s not anti-meds: “I have talked to a lot of people who swear by the medication.”

Neeleman credits ADHD with his creativity and “out-of-the-box thinking”—it led him to invent e-tickets while at Morris, for example. “One of the weird things about the type of [ADHD] I have is, if you have something you are really, really passionate about, then you are really, really good about focusing on that thing. It’s kind of bizarre that you can’t pay the bills and do mundane tasks, but you can do your hyper-focus area.” He spends “all my waking hours” obsessing about JetBlue. The rest of his life, Neeleman says, would be a “disaster” if not for his wife, who manages their home and children; his accountant, who pays the bills and tracks his finances; and his personal assistant, who sends him his schedule every day and steers him from appointment to appointment, keeping him on track.

As frustrating as being ADHD can be there’s no way I’d get rid of it if it were possible. I’ve grown to rely on the positive aspects it provides. I have no doubts that I wouldn’t be the professional geek that I am if not for my ADHD and I do seem to have an unusual ability to be able to work with just about anyone. Plus it helps to make me awesome at video games much to the annoyance of the thirteen olds whose asses I kick regularly in Call of Duty. Being ADHD easily has as many positives to it as it does negatives and it’s nice to see some of those good aspects being highlighted.

Being both ADD and unemployed has resulted in posting to the blog suffering dramatically and for this I apologize. One of the ways that people with ADD come to grips with their condition is to develop daily routines. Back when I was working I’d get up at 6AM as soon as the alarm rang and head straight for the bathroom where I’d hop into the shower. After the shower I’d get dressed and then get some breakfast where I’d watch the morning news for about a half hour. From there I’d login to check my email and perhaps get a short entry up before leaving for work. At the top of the stairs after putting on my coat I’d do my pat-down. That’s where you pat your pockets and coat to make sure you’ve got everything you need for the day: wallet, money, ID badge, beeper, and car keys. If any part of this routine was missed or had to be rushed I was certain to forget something and the rest of the day would be a total fuck up.

Being unemployed is a lot like being on vacation only not as relaxing. My morning routine is shot to hell, which has been surprisingly hard on the cat as well. The first week he was very troubled because that was also the week that Courtney had her winter break from school so no one was getting up early and he just didn’t understand what the hell had gone wrong. It’s clear that he’s grown most attached to me, however, as Courtney reports that he doesn’t get up with her in the mornings anymore preferring to sleep in until I get up so I can watch him eat. For not being much of a lap cat he doesn’t like to be alone. He’s currently laying on my bed behind not far from Anne and he’ll probably stay there until one of us goes out to the living room. So as far as the cat is concerned my being unemployed is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him.

For the blog, though, it’s probably the worst thing to happen. I haven’t watched the news in two weeks and I don’t tend to read the newspaper so I’m completely out of touch with anything important that’s happened since I lost my job. I used to check the news websites out between meetings at work when there wasn’t a lot of time to do other things and I’d spent part of my lunch composing entries based on whatever I read earlier. You’d think that with all this free time I’d have plenty of time to do this stuff now, but I’m without a routine and so it throws my cognitive abilities out of whack. When I haven’t been surfing the job postings and sending out resumes I’ve tried to squeeze in some of the things I keep meaning to do, but never got around to previously like get the car in so the brakes and tires could be replaced. More about that later as it’s a story unto itself. When I’m not doing those things then I’m either gaming on the games I don’t usually have time for or I’m watching umpteen documentaries I recorded on the DVR that I’ve not had the chance to watch previously. Each day has been somewhat haphazard and I’m left with not a lot to write about. Except, possibly, reviews of games and movies which I’ve started a few entries on and need to finish up.

So I apologize for the dearth of activity around here. It’s the result of a bunch of factors not the least of which is my ADD. I think it shows that if I ever win the lottery the blog may be in serious trouble. I’m slowly starting to develop an unemployment routine, though, and I plan on working writing back into the equation sometime soon so please bear with me for a bit longer.

Still, it can be tricky at times to recognize just how the medication is helping me to focus my attention and get through the day. That is until I run out, like I have recently. I’ve been off my prescription for the past week due to the fact that the counselor I see having moved from one clinic to another. As a counselor he’s unable to prescribe the medication so I have to see the new clinic’s psychiatrist before my prescription can be renewed and that hasn’t happened yet. As a result I’ve run out.

I managed to survive 30 years without being aware of my ADD, let alone having any medication to help me deal with it, so I didn’t think missing a few days would be that big of a deal. The fact that it can be difficult to tell when the meds are working doesn’t help. Even with medication ADD still affects my life because the meds only help to reduce my distractability, it doesn’t eliminate it. There are bad days when my ADD comes shining through despite being on medication for it and on those days I find it difficult to accomplish anything. Without the meds my distractability has returned to where it was before and I’m coming home from work mentally exhausted. You can see the change right here in my blog as well. The number of entries for the past few days has been unusually light in part because I can’t keep my attention focused long enough to formulate what I consider to be a decent entry. I haven’t paid as much attention to the news either so some of the stuff I’d normally be ranting about has escaped my attention. I’ve been gaming quite a bit more lately and even that is having a hard time holding my attention and I’ve been feeling restless and creatively frustrated. There’s at least three web designs I’ve been working on that aren’t going anywhere at the moment because I can’t get my ideas out of my head and into the computer.

It’s amazing how much one little pill a day can make a difference in your life. I’m not fond of the idea of having to take this pill every day just so I can focus my attention a little better. It’s too much like relying on a crutch when I should be able to just do what needs to be done, but after the past few days I can’t deny that it is a big help. My caffeine intake has gone up considerably as a form of compensation. Many people with ADD are caffeine junkies as form of unaware self-medication. I can’t wait to get my prescription refilled.

Even as I sit here typing this I’m going over it in my head and trying to decide if it makes any sense or is even worth posting. I’m not entirely sure what my point was supposed to be outside of “having ADD can suck” or something along those lines. I suppose I felt the need to explain my lack of updates as of late. Or maybe I just wanted to show folks how ADD can affect your life. Or maybe I’m just being whiny. I’m not sure.

Can’t do that anymore because I have a family now. I’m not just affecting myself when I get impulsive and reminding myself of that usually keeps me in check. Recently I mentioned on here that Neverwinter Nights has gone gold. This game has been in development for over five years and I’ve been following it pretty closely the whole time. It’s easy to say that I’ve not been this excited about a particular video game in a long, long time. It’s supposed to hit store shelves sometime next week, but there was a rumor floating around yesterday that some Best Buy stores had gotten it in early.

Oooooooooo! The thought of getting a game that I and my buddies have been waiting five years for before anyone else suddenly flooded my head. How much fun would I have annoying my buddy Bill who had pre-ordered his copy on-line and probably wouldn’t see it until the end of next week if I could call him up and tell him how I was sharpening up my vorpal sword for a session in NWN. More so than the pure joy harassing a good friend, though, was the overwhelming desire to play this game I’ve dreamed about for five years. I wanted this game, badly. Those of you who are not gamers are thinking to yourselves, “Sheesh, get a life buddy! It’s just a GAME!“ To which all I can say is: Everyone has their passions that they do stupid things for.

I stayed late at work and started calling stores. Best Buy in Dearborn, Best Buy in Westland, Best Buy in Novi, Best Buy in Ann Arbor. All the stores I could think of within a reasonable driving distance between work and home. Just this act of calling around raised my pulse and quickened my breath as my excitement continued to grow. The Novi store said they showed they had 18 of them in stock, but no one could locate where they were in the store. That was all I needed. I left work and started home heading straight to the Dearborn BB to stop and check it out. Half the clerks I spoke to had never even heard of the game so there was a chance they overlooked it on the display rack. I stopped at the Dearborn Best Buy, Dearborn CompUSA, Dearborn GameStop (which turned out to only sell console games), Stopped at the Westland Best Buy and the Westland Software Etc. All I could find was some promo boxes on display in the BB stores that you could take up front to pay $10 and pre-order the game. I finally concluded it was those boxes the Novi store was registering in their computer, not the actual game itself.

No one had it and weren’t likely to until Monday or Tuesday at the absolute earliest. It was crazy wishful thinking on my part to even bother calling the stores, let alone drive to them on the way home. It took me an hour and a half to get home from work as I went from place to place chasing a dream. And it is, after all, just a video game. I had settled down by the time I made it home and was able to reflect on how it’s been a long time since I last got that nuts about something. It’s a good thing no one had it because if the first couple of stores I stopped at actually did have it, I probably would’ve bought it even though I can’t really afford to at the moment. We’re getting Courtney ready to go to camp next week and as such money is tight, the game would’ve pushed us into the red. Usually when I slip into my gotta-have-it-now mode I can talk my way out of buying it before I get to the checkout line by reminding myself of my obligations. That wouldn’t have worked this time, it’s been too long a period of anticipation. It’s my ADHD shining through big time. To the point where it almost blinds me. Even now, the phone is within easy reach. That little voice is going “You never know, they could have it in stock today…“

I try not to vary too much from that routine because when I do I end up running behind schedule and the extra stress from trying to hurry causes me to either a) be late to work or b) forget something like my ID or pager or lunch.  Courtney goes through a similar morning routine, but she doesn’t get up as early before her time to leave as I do so she doesn’t have the time to space out occasionally or to take her time getting started. When she does, Anne gets frustrated with her. Courtney also, like me, doesn’t tend to vary her routine so there are times when she does something she doesn’t have to. For example, usually she dashes into the bathroom long enough to grab her hair care products to take back to her room or the living room so she can work on her hair while I’m in the shower. This morning, however, I was out of my shower before she had a chance to grab her hair stuff so she waited until I left the bathroom then proceeded to gather her supplies and take them into the living room. Anne couldn’t understand why Courtney didn’t just stay in the bathroom to work on her hair seeing as I no longer needed it. I understood why, but only because I’ve done the same thing. Another thing my daughter and I have in common is a tendancy to forget details when we get rushed. The hair care supplies are, again, a good example. She starts to rush and next thing you know the hair care supplies never make it back to the bathroom. Instead they’re on the coffee table in the living room or sprawled on her desk or, and this one really annoys Anne, left laying on Courtney’s bedroom floor.

All of these factors add up to give other people who don’t have ADHD the impression that we’re lazy, thoughtless, unmotivated, or just don’t care. That can lead to hurt feelings on both sides. I can recall a number of occassions where my mother was deeply hurt by what she saw as my complete indifference, if not outright hostility, towards her wishes that I get my act together. What she didn’t realize was that I was just as deeply hurt that she didn’t understand that I did care and was trying, but just couldn’t manage to pull it off. Any attempts to tell her how I really felt were dismissed because my “actions didn’t show it”, which hurt even more.

Of course, the difference is that I didn’t know then what I know now. The fact that Courtney and I have ADHD doesn’t give us an excuse for not doing what needs to be done. At the same time, we do require a little more understanding from those around us as to why we sometimes stuggle with day to day life.