I’m with you, Sunfell. I sat there with my jaw hanging open thinking, “Not only did Pop Tarts reply not confuse the hell out of me, it actually kinda makes sense!”

Does this mean I have to start wearing sandals and a toga and wander around in the desert for an interminable amount of time?

Pop Tarts, may I put up a properly attributed copy of your post on my site? Pretty please?

All hail Pop Tarts!
I hope that post is widely spread its so very well put.  I wonder how many devoties of the Christ cult could actualy find and use the gift of free will to find God within without an instruction manual to do so.

Man am I relieved! All this time reading Pop Tart’s comments and I thought it was just me!

Pop Tarts, what you wrote is so original and sensible, it’s fucking groundbreaking.

Pop Tarts for president, everybody!

Les, wear your stupid bastard shirt. They could found a religion from that thing alone.

Anyone here ever read ‘A canticle for Leibowitz’? They built a post-bomb religion from a broken circuit board and a shoppig list!

And yes, Les, you should have seen this coming. You have two sorts of madmen on this board. But only one that you can trust with your society

Sigh. I should not post this late. It’s ‘shopping list’ and ‘one sort that you can trust’.

Excellent post, Pop Tarts! 

Mix that with Howard the Duck as spokesperson and a great buffet, we got us a great cult.

I’m just waiting to see who will get riled up over it…

Oh, yes- I have read “A Canticle for Liebowitz”. It’s been a while, but that was a great book. So was ‘Alas, Babylon’- but I have an odd fondness for ‘end of the world’ stories. Maybe all the ‘end times’ chatter has encouraged that, but with books like “Lucifer’s Hammer” and “The Stand” in my collection, I’m ‘ready’ for just about anything.

Sort of.

Pop Tart, I’d love to share your post with readers on my own blog, with your permission.

Sunfell

Les, you may need to put a big ass link on the top of the SEB hompage to this thread, so they can just come straight here.  You know how they tend to either disappear when the locale changes, or we get it running down more than one thread.

On second thought, it will likely be up to us to post replies to proselytizers here to get them to move. 

Maybe a big blinking neon looking sign that says “Proselytize Here” and flashes between a neon stripper outline and a cross.

Isn’t it obvious?  .rob has a dot in front of his name so that he won’t show up during a regular ls.

Pop Tarts:  whoa.  Just ... whoa.  Amazing.  The mind reels.

Hey Les,

I know I am a relative newbie to your blog, and I don’t even want to pretend to tell you how to run it.  It seems that your original intent for this thread would be better served if you started a new thread with Poptarts phenomenal post heading it.

If that won’t attract proselytizers, I don’t know what will.

Well, since all religious thought eventually gets corrupted as it makes its journey into public consciousness, let me get the ball rolling.

Pop Tarts is the new Messiah.  I will engrave his words on a Formica tablet, which will then become a Holy Relic of PopTartsism.  Then I will martyr myself for the agnostic cause, which will lead to a PopTartsian crusade against the non-believers.  Rivers of blood will dampen the land, and the Jackdaw of Oblivion will lay the 12 Eggs of Discontent.  Upon the fiery death of the Last Hatchling, Pop Tarts will come again to re-smite the wicked and shower the meek with breakfast treats.
Yay and verily, man.

Oh yeah-- And no shrimp-eating or haircuts, or else!

I gave myself to Jesus. But now he never calls…

Pop Tarts, I am making a tatoo of your name on my chest right now!.....ooooppss!!!
Gotta read your thing again.

Laughing Muse’s remark reminded me of a piece I read in VICELAND.COM:

Holy Fuck
Is the Bible a DON’T?

When he was 29, Jesus wrote The Bible because he knew it would get him laid. Guess what––it worked. Not only did he fuck tons of really religious women, he also laid about a million whores. He didn’t even get married he got so laid.

Since then the bible has been nothing but a raging pussy magnet. There was the Lot’s family affair, Abraham fucking his maid, Onan (the guy who beat off), and I think there was some guy who started his own religion by burying a gold bible in his backyard. He probably got at least a little bit laid.

Cut to modern times, and things haven’t changed a bit. Lenny Bruce started his own religion to get laid. Then we had all those cult leaders like David Koresh that made up rules like “I get to fuck whoever I want even if she’s 14 and everyone else can go fuck themselves.” Even right now, you have Raelian “Sensual Seminars” enabling really ugly bald guys to eat out any teenager they want. Shit, even gay guys (if they become priests) get to use the bible to have young adolescent boys sit on their lap and make them feel good. So what about us?

We sent our pal David out with a brand new holy bible and told him to go to every rock show, rooftop party, and bar he could to try to get laid. The rules: No explaining what the fuck is up with the bible, no putting it down ever, and no cheesy lines.

“I did miserably at first,” he told me from his apartment after his first night of trying. “They would say things like they had to ‘go to the bathroom’ and never come back. One time this girl looked at me and looked at the bible and said, ‘Um no,’ before I could even say anything.”

After his third night out, David called me with some good news. “I got laid last night,” he told me, all excited like a little fag. “I got a girl to come home with me.”

I asked him if she saw the bible and he said, “I obeyed all the rules. I held it close to my chest the whole night. When she asked me about it, I just shrugged and said, ‘You know, whatever.’ I even brought it home with me. Everything turned out great.”

David sounded happy, but I could tell something wasn’t right. I had a hunch way before we started this experiment that the bible ain’t what she used to be. When I pressed him I got the real goods: “It’s possible she was pretty drunk. The next morning she was all, ‘Whoa, what a night.’ I asked her if we could exchange numbers and she said no, and when I asked her why, she said, ‘Because if I saw it was you I probably wouldn’t pick up.’”

So that settles it. The bible is a DON’T, and the only way it will ever get you laid is if there’s plenty of liquor on the table next to it.

JOHNNY C. PHILIPS

How can you not love Viceland.com ? It’s one of the most irreverent, falling out of my chair funny mags on the web!

Dude, if you call it “Click here to Proselytize” you know they will go to another thread and comment just to spite you.  Instead, I suggest you call it:
“Jesus Christ eats babies and kills small bunnies with his fist, evil satan lover that he is”
(sorry to the normal Christians who read this list)
I promise, you will get lots of replies then.

Okay, the one thing I’m honestly curious about is how the proselytizers find SEB in the first place.

For some reason, creationist/evolution threads seem to attract more than their fair share of them, too.

“Jesus Christ eats babies and kills small bunnies with his fist, evil satan lover that he is�?

Bwahahaha!!!!  Damn, another office chair ruined ...

I suspect the proselytizers find their way to specific threads via links from sites complaining about them.  “Oooo, the mean atheists are at it again!  Let’s go show them the Light!”

Agreed....All Hail Pop Tarts.  Particularly liked your section on “Free Will.” Seems to me that is what scares these people the most.  Making one’s own decisions after much thoughtful consideration is hard mental work.  Maybe at one point they tried looking into their own hearts, minds & souls and discovered, to their horror, that they had none.

Obviously, not all Christians are proselytizers, but the latter group is surely making the most noise and gaining in power and influence.  “All sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

I’m surprised at you two. How quickly you forget that SEB is the number 8 link on Google when you do a search for “Kent Hovind.” For that matter I’m sure the Catholics just love the fact that SEB is the number 1 link when you Google for “Saint Goncalo.” Folks searching for info on this relatively unknown Saint will find this entry to be what Google thinks is most relevant. Many of them are not happy judging from the emails I’ve gotten.

We’re also currently number 1 if you search for “naked boobies,” number 11 for “stupid,” number 6 and 7 for “camel toe song,” number 32 for “evil,” and number 8 for “bastard.”

Google loves us.

Wherein ***Dave makes a one good point on the Howard the duck movie - Lea Thompson - He commits the unforgivable heresy of citing the move over the comic books.  We, the church of the Howard the Duck comic Books find that the church of the Howard the Duck the movie to heretical in all ways, save for the admiration of Lea Thompson.

I suspect the proselytizers find their way to specific threads via links from sites complaining about them.  “Oooo, the mean atheists are at it again!  Let’s go show them the Light!�?

Hey, if it keeps ‘em off the streets and outta my face, then it’s a good thing. 

We’re also currently number 1 if you search for “naked boobies,�?

Oh, and I’m sure the folks at Citi Financial are just pleased as punch that we come up at number 9 for my article where I bitch them out.

Oooo! We’re number 9 for “Answers in Genesis” too! And number 8 for “great googly moogly” which I had forgotten I’d ever even said. Number 11 for “define irony,” number 3 for “stupid bastard” and number 1 for “evil bastard,” number 3 for “pictures of people praying” for some odd reason, and, finally, my personal favorite:

We’re number 2 for “safety tip of the day” right behind The Orange County Fire Authority’s saftey tip of the day website!

Enough already

Image the fun to be had if SEB would get a high rank on “self-abuse”.