Oh no the Christian Materialist cult has control oif the Bo$$‘s brain call the cult deprogramming team!

Haha!!!  Nice thought, Bo$$, but I have absolutely no musical talent.  Maybe I could be the roadie.   Our Holy Grail could be making millions while the faithful think that we are speaking of THE Holy Grail!

My favorite Christian Rock song is by the Bloodhound Gang. Oops…..they aren’t Christian Rock. What am I thinking?

“Hell Yeah”

Alright now boys and girls we’ve got another story for you now!
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a “Speed 2”
If I were God that’s what I’d do Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God I’d get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut “Footloose”
If I were God that’s what I’d do, Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I’ll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they’re beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!“ I’ll sing as I’m flogged
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God
So vote for me for Savior and you’ll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in “Seven”
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can’t teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don’t believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy “holier than thou” facade
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God

Good luck with that.  The Christian music industry is even more corrupt than the secular music indsutry.  It sucks that the majority of our good bands are really stuck in the underground.

Actually, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.  You could be the L. Ron Hubbard of the Chri$tain rock industry.  Hhehehe, I’m reminded of the band Evanescence; they started off as a religious rock group, but as soon as they hit it big and it was obvious they’d sell more inthe mainstream than Christan rock section they renounced all of that.

P.O.D. did the same thing. 

Switchfoot and Relient K to a lesser extent.  I actually saw Switchfoot play at a local Church before they made it big, one of the band members was friends with the Youth Pastor.

POD is still Christian.  Just because they may be on a secular label doesn’t change it.

Eeeeh, arguable Theocrat, there have been some iffy interviews with them, though they haven’t gone so far as Evanescence did. 

But anyhow, let’s get back on topic, the topic being how much Christian music sucks, and by golly, as a church going red blooded American, I have to agree.

I bet if you heard my song you wouldn’t say that it sucks, Slick. :p

If only I had a recording studio…

I don’t think it sucks.  It’s just unfortunate that the people contolling it aren’t practicing what they are supposed to stand for.

Hey, if a Christian band is formed, can I help write lyrics? For instance, this is a song I wrote about the tenuous relationship between the love of Jesus and crooked politicians.

(Ahem)

Jesus man, Jesus man,
Doing the things a Jesus can.
Driving around in a Jesus van.
Jesus man, Jesus man.

Jesus man, Jesus man,
Saving people with his Jesus hand.
Everyone in the Jesus land
loved Jesus man, Jesus man.

Jesus man, Jesus man,
The President was no Jesus man
Manipulating Jesus fans
Jesus man, Jesus man.

The President told Jesus man
I’m putting on a Jesus ban
There’ll be no Jesus in the land
Jesus man, Jesus man.

Well he jumped in the Jesus Van
and drove around the Jesus Land
to formulate a Jesus plan
Jesus man, Jesus man.

Hey Jesus man, Jesus man,
They’re towing away your Jesus Van!
What kind of man would take your van,
Jesus man, Jesus man?

But Jesus man, he had a plan,
he didn’t need some Jesus Van.
He jumped up, shouting “Jesus Can!“
Jesus man, Jesus man.

(Instrumental)

Jesus guy, Jesus guy,
Flying through the Jesus Sky
Jesus! Look, he’s flying high!
Jesus guy, Jesus guy.

Jesus guy, flying high,
mad as hell, and so am I.
Evil-doers’ gonna die,
Jesus guy, Jesus guy.

The President saw Jesus Guy,
and fire flying through the sky,
He was so scared, I wonder why?
Jesus guy, Jesus guy.

Smite his ass now, Jesus guy!
He’s been spreading Jesus lies
about Jesus and Al Queda ties,
Jesus guy, Jesus guy!

But wait a minute, Jesus guy
he turned the cheek, I wonder why.
You’re a better man than I,
Jesus Guy, Jesus Guy.

(Instrumental)

Jesus man, Jesus man,
Doing the things a Jesus can,
Driving a brand new Jesus Van,
Jesus man, Jesus man.

Jesus man, Jesus man,
Smiting sinners with the Jesus hand.
Everyone in the Jesus Land
Loves Jesus man, Jesus Man.

(yeah)

I’ve been trying to turn it into a flash cartoon, but I suck at animating. If anyone can help me out in that department, let me know.

Thought Criminal, consider yourself hired.

(Can you write secular lyrics as well? Like, about airports?)

Do bears poop in the pope’s hat?

(Yes)

Actually, everything about me is secular. I just happen to think that Jesus is a very interesting subject to write about. Give me a while, and I can write about practically anything.

I gotta do something now, but I’ll try to write back in an hour or two for some sort of airport song. I’ve already got an idea…

TC, what’s your real name so I can give you credit?

I wrote music for your Jesus song. It’s pretty simple; most of it’s a back and forth between Bm7 and E (don’t know if you speak music or not), and the basic riff is A-C-D F#-F-E.