To my Friends and Colleagues: Because there seems to be a dismal lack of appreciation for scientific Creationist research, I have decided to sponsor a write-in column for people who are curious but ignorant of the natural sciences and to report on the progress which has occurred over the past century or millennium..
From the infallible computer of Peter Fredson, Esq.
1 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it the pull of gravity that which keeps us from falling off the earth into space?
Dear Sir or Madam: No, it is because the earth sucks.
2 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What makes water wet?
Dear Sir or Madam: The thing that makes water wet is the absence of dryness, or, in more technical terms, negative aridity.
3 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why, when I’m in an airplane, do people on the ground, even buildings, look like little specks? Huh?
Dear Sir or Madam: Next time, before you go up in the air, ask the airport maintenance people to wash the windows of the airplane. Then the specks will vanish. Voila! But I should warn you that the longest flight so far was only 120 inches at some beach in Virginia by the crazy Wright brothers. If God had meant us to fly, he would have given us wings at birth, like the birdies.
4 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: At night when I look up at the sky there seem to be thousands of little lights in the sky. How far away are they?
Dear Sir or Madam: Some of them are tiny lights caused by high-flying fireflies, others are sparks from forest fires, but the majority are from stellar bodies at least, oh, 20 to 40 miles high.
5 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How many pets should people have anyway?
Dear Sir or Madam: The question is really, how many people should a pet have. They get confused easily, so anything over 5 people is excessive, but less than 1 is satisfactory. They stink, cause a mess, and eat constantly. So pets should choose people carefully. Don’t pamper them!
6 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Are stage coaches or locomotives best?
Dear Sir or Madam: Locomotives need a lot of wood and water and much maintenance. Horses however provide manure for rosebushes, eat only natural herbage, and nuzzle you like crazy when they like you. Try that with a locomotive !
7 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What future is there for the “horseless carriage?”
Dear Sir or Madam: Not very much. The bicycle is coming more and more into common use. It can be easily stored on the front porch, needs no expensive fuel or batteries or spark-plugs. But avoid buying a tricycle. Too clumsy and heavy.
8 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will the submarine be useful in warfare?
Dear Sir or Madam: It will only be useful to asphyxiate its crew, sink like a rock, and provide shipyards with employment for drunks and wastrels.
9 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Can we tell what the Universe was like before the Big Bang?
Dear Sir or Madam: Our knowledge is limited to running the universe backwards by mathematics to find out what it was like then. We know that quarks coalesce into protons and neutrons, but it’s very hard to see something that tiny without a very high quality reading glass.
10 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it true that much of the upper half of the United States was once covered by great glaciers?
Dear Sir or Madam: Yes, and a good thing too. Those glaciers swept away huge rocks, carved deep channels for rivers, formed the Great Lakes, and swept away all the plastic picnic plates from former occupants.
11 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it true that we come from apes?
Dear Sir or Madam: Only members of Congress. Democrats come from cute little furry monkeys. The rest of us were made by God.
12 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is there anything that goes faster than the speed of light?
Dear Sir or Madam: Obviously you have never tried to stretch a paycheck to last 30 or 31 days. They say that time flies, but they forget that money goes faster than the eye can see. Whereas, the eye can see light. Otherwise it would be dark.
13 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is there any electricity left in the wires when you turn the switch off?
Dear Sir or Madam: Yes, so be careful. Never stick your finger or penis into an electric light socket, even if the switch if supposedly off. It can really dampen any ardor quickly. Wow!
14 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Which can run faster…a lion or a human?
Dear Sir or Madam: Experiments Romans performed in the Colosseum indicated that 5 out of 6 times the lion will catch the human. Incidentally, we had no more budget left for purchasing atheists, so our experiments had to be cancelled. Economy rules!
15 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Which is better for building material…wood or baked clay?
Dear Sir or Madam: Well, you can build a wooden house around a human successfully, but we have never been able to keep one alive successfully after inserting the house into a red hot kiln. Otherwise the clay one is a lot cheaper.
16 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will people ever be able to fly?
Dear Sir or Madam: Well, we have made some attempts to insert anally various devices such as sky-rockets, or attach wing-like devices with harnesses, but all attempts fail as we cannot possibly install toilets or folding food-trays and drink dispensers on such devices. Sorry!
17 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can we chart the course of underground rivers.
Dear Sir or Madam: Very simply. By making small boats, each holding a bomb, then floating them into the mouth of the underground river, and then going on top and listening for where the bombs go off. Unfortunately other countries are very sensitive about us using bombs under their land.
18 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it true that some scientific research is fraudulent?
Dear Sir or Madam: Unfortunately, yes. However, we pay off fraudulent scientists with counterfeit money so no one really loses in the long run.
19 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can I get a kitten out of a tree?
Dear Sir or Madam: Try cutting down the tree, or setting it on fire, or shooting the little kitty.
20 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: If tyrannosaurs lived today, what would be their favorite food?
Dear Sir or Madam: Obviously the tastiest and most abundant would be humans. Democrats are usually the fattest and slowest moving, while the Republican agnostics are the saltiest and worst-tasting, because they are full of bile.
21 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will humans ever be able to live in outer space.
Dear Sir or Madam: Humans and rats can live anywhere. If they can live in Outer Mongolia, then they can live in outer space. However, it is difficult to construct a spacecraft with a back porch and an outhouse. (You wouldn’t want a toilet INSIDE, surely!)
22 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes Winter?
Dear Sir or Madam: Winter is caused by the absence, or lack of, Summer. Fortunately the transition is eased by the interposition of Fall or Autumn. Otherwise one day we would all be at the beach in bathing suits, and the next day freezing our appendages off. God is SO wise!
23 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What would happen if a giant meteor crashed into earth?
Dear Sir or Madam: Or, if the earth crashed into a giant meteor? In either case, there would be considerable economic loss to fast-food chains, vending machines, and trailer parks. The electricity might go out. The extent of loss would depend on the extent of giganticity of the meteor.
24 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Should our children emulate Einstein?
Dear Sir or Madam: No mother would let her child go around with such tousled hair, dirty sweat shirts and saying nasty things like EC= something or other.
25 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will Television ever be a reality?
Dear Sir or Madam: No. It would be much better to pass around slides or photographs …certainly a lot cheaper, and give hands-on experience rather than sitting around looking into some ridiculous kind of fortune-telling globe or electric light bulb. It’ll never work! What a stupid idea!
26 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it good to go jogging?
Dear Sir or Madam: Well, it is very good for doctors and especially undertakers. This kind of exercise causes more deaths than going on crash-diets. Joggers die healthier than non-joggers, but much sooner. Avoid jogging like the plague. Incidentally the plague should also be avoided.
27 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is the idea of having hot and cold running water inside the house a new one?
Dear Sir or Madam: No, the Romans had their slaves running constantly to pour hot and cold water into their baths. That’s where the idea came from. When slavery was abolished they had to find another way to get their hot and cold water. The rest of the story is history.
28 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is a Galaxy?
Dear Sir or Madam: It’s the presence of a whole lot of star dust gathered together in occasional clumps, some of which are very large. Certainly you could not begin to stretch your arms around any. A galaxy is a lot bigger than Pittsburgh.
29 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why is there anything?
Dear Sir or Madam: If there wasn’t something, there would be nothing. And as Rosanna Rosanna Danna used to say: “There’s always Something.” And that’s probably the best answer unless you are a Christian. Then you can say, “God Did It!”
30 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it true that if I press the trigger of a gun very very lightly, that the bullet will only come out a very very little way?
Dear Sir or Madam: That would be a very interesting experiment. May I take high speed photographs of you looking into the muzzle while doing that? Science needs to know ALL of the answers.
GOD RECALLS ROBERTS
Readers will recall that last month Rev. Anal Roberts reported that God told him to collect $1,000,000 in 30 days or be called to account. Rev. Roberts was tireless in his efforts to collect the cash, speaking nearly all night and day on 1,300 radio and television stations, flying in his Lear Jet with his Ferraris and Continentals waiting at each airport.
However, the accountants counting up the receipts announced last night that the sum amounted to ten cents less than a million dollars. At the very stroke of midnight Anal Roberts was struck by lightning because God is very strict. Better luck in the next life!
MIRACULOUS VIRGIN TISSUE
Last Tuesday Tina Maria Scarlotti had a severe head cold and filled her last tissue. As she discarded the tissue she noticed that her head cold had disappeared. The next day when she was about to pick up the tissue she noticed that the residue on it had dried in the form of the Holy Virgin, with large breasts, a paisley gown and holding up one finger. The news spread and her bedroom soon became a shrine. Her brother, Rico, said, “It’s a damn miracle.” Present plans involve building a shrine around the Holy Tissue of the Virgin. A 10-gallon black trash-bag presently serves for the collection of offerings.
HOLY TISSUE PERFORMS MIRACLES
We last reported the Holy Virgin of the Tissue in the house of Tina Maria Scarlotti. Since then many miracles have been performed. The family dog that sniffed the tissue was immediately cured of mange and worms. Grandma Scarlotti, 86, reported being able to perform her wifely duties again. Grandpa Scarlotti, who touched the tissue, reported a permanent erection. Two Hare Krishna freaks that came into the shrine became instantly converted. The local alderman who came to worship the tissue announced he was changing his voter registration from Democrat to Republican. Many more miracles are now being reported.
BABY JESUS RETURNS!
Neighbors of Tina Maria Scarlotti, (who reported the Holy Tissue of the Virgin), today discovered on a discarded slice of moldy wheat bread, the plain figure of a Baby Jesus etched in the mould. The slice must be held at an angle to the light to see the figure but it is very plain. The neighbor family, the Nicholas Umbriagos, plan to convert their home into a shrine. They are now conducting tours for busloads of visiting pilgrims.
So far, no more miracles have been reported, but the official astrologer of the Reagan’s sent them a congratulatory telegram. Mr. Umbriago plans to send his six daughters, presently unemployed, to a nunnery in recompense.
DETROIT DRUG SHOOT-OUT
Police who raided a drug-dealers hideout, next-door to Church of the Blessed Holy Redeemer, were forced to engage in gunfire with the dealers. The 30 officers, armed with automatic weapons, sprayed the area with 33,000 rounds, effectively quelling the dealers, but unfortunately killing most of the congregation next door.
In the altercation other bystanders were killed, including a visiting delegation of Boy Scouts from Michigan, several unemployed Blacks, and two Jehovah’s Witnesses. None of them should have been standing around watching the violent display, but Police Capt. Nemo Smith says he will have his son-in-law conduct an investigation and that at least two officers could be suspended.
CONTRACTORS MAKE A BOO-BOO
Demolition Contractors, ACME RENOVATORS, spent all day yesterday wiring the Crystal Palace Church for demolition. They spent several hours taking the press around the building and explaining the scientific procedures of using modern high explosives. They were vehement in saying that no neighboring building, or occupants thereof, would receive even a scratch.
Today at noon the explosives went off as planned. The glass structure crumbled directly downward, without any harm to anything. Unfortunately they had demolished the wrong building, due to a mistake in typing the address. The televangelist was really irritated.
REMARKABLE TALKING PIG
Bessy Mae Culo, of Tempest, Texas, discovered that her pet hog, Herbert, can say a few words. Herbert likes to listen to FOX and the 700-Club news services.
During the recent elections, Herbert, in the presence of two wheat farmers and a Church of Heavenly Host preacher, plainly grunted, “Incumbents, Incumbents.”, six times in succession.
And when Pres. Bush announced on the T.V. that he was sending 50,000 more troops to Iraq, Herbert enthusiastically grunted “Gore, Gore, Gore”.
OLD WOMAN BEARS CHILD
A record was set in Mercy Redemption Hospital today. At about 11:31 p.m. 89-year-old Phyllis Cringle gave birth to a 5-year old baby.
The gynecologists explained that such an old woman giving birth, would naturally take quite a while to do it, and therefore the infant would be aged in the womb.
Mrs. Cringle attributes the unusual event due to eating French Fries sprinkled with pickle juice and tartar sauce while eating beefsteak at Lent. She isn’t sure, but she is naming her offspring Condi. Friends are giving her a Baby Shower today as no one knew she was even pregnant before today.
FAITH HEALER SUED
Tessy Sue Gorkin is suing Rev. Felcher B. Crotch for malpractice and other charges. She claims that she went to Rev. Crotch to cure her headaches but that he insisted in laying hands on other parts of her anatomy as well. When she insisted he concentrate on her head, he gave her two tremendous slaps on the forehead, which caused blood to gush from her nostrils.
Rev. Crotch is presently under indictment for causing two under-age girls to become pregnant, but he claims it was the Holy Ghost that did it, under the influence of too much sacramental wine.
WHEN PIGS FLY
Farmer Steve Brown was quite amazed when he looked up at the autumn sky and saw a herd of pigs miraculously flying through the clouds. At almost the same time he saw a flock of geese headed south for the winter. For a moment he thought the pigs were going to head south also. It turns out that the cargo hatch of a C-17 plane got loose and the herd of pigs jumped out of the door. The walking motions they made while falling made Farmer Brown think they were flying. The pig’s squeals merged with the geese honking making for quite a noisy sky scene. All in all, quite an exciting prayer day for Farmer Brown!
NEIGHBOR LADY TOO KIND TO KIDS
Evangelist Oozie P. Snatcher was arrested yesterday after 42 mothers of the neighborhood filed complaints. It turns out that the adolescent males of the Holy Moley Intercessory Church choir were skipping lunch in order to line up in front of Mrs. Snatcher’s private office.
They then took turns “bonking” Mrs. Snatcher, until the school bell rang.. Some even skipped school to remain for more practice. Mrs. Snatcher explained, “I just can’t refuse those cute little rascals anything. Lordy, lordy.”
PREPARING FOR THE END
Rev. Joe Spinglatoni of the Sacred Holy Church of Our Lady of Mass Destruction told his flock that the end of the world, which he had predicted 32 times previously, was surely upon them last Saturday. They obtained City Hall permission to pile all their belongings, except for toilet paper, in a big bonfire. They burned furniture, rock records, and back issues of PLAIN TRUTH, church documents, and their winter clothing. They then awaited the final coming.
After two days, without food or water, and no end of the world apparent, Rev. Spinglatoni blamed his flock: “They just didn’t believe hard enough!” He says the next mass destruction is due next week, or next month.
WRONG ORGAN PERMIT
A fast police sprinter stopped Jimmy Swingert after Jimmy streaked, buck-naked, through the Municipal Stadium, while the Green Bay Packers were playing the Miami Dolphins.
Jimmy plays the church organ. His explanation was simplicity itself: “I play the organ”, but the police judge said, “Wrong Organ, Jimmy.” Jimmy was released on condition that he wears a fully buttoned overcoat while playing the organ.
POPULATION POLICY SESSION
The Planning Commission of the World Population Institute is meeting this week in the Kiltdown Hotel.
One of the guest speakers, Sir Rashneesh Baglang, said that the world would be much better off without politicians, priests and lawyers. “They are useless parasites”, he said emotionally, “and should be eradicated from the face of this planet. Better them than lose another previous animal species. Too damn many people now on this planet.”
Rev. Felcher Slark, of Holiness Baptismal Font Church, commented: “Guys like that give me a pain…you know where!”
RACING STAR MARRIES
Phillup Ferrari, winner of many races, including the Indianapolis 500 and the Dayton 300, today married his new Lamborghetti racing car in the parking lot of the Holy Blessed Sacred Redeemer church. All of his pit crew attended the ceremony. Champagne and oil were served to bride and groom.
The happy groom exchanged piston rings with the lovely new Lamborghetti under the arc lights of the stadium, while the band played “In my merry Oldsmobile”.
The ceremony was marred when one of the pit crew put his hands on the oil pan while making some gross remarks. After the fight, bride and groom drove off together to Ft. Lauderdale where nobody noticed them.
CHICAGO MAN FOUND
Rudy Schultz, Creationist Scientist, left for New York a week ago, but never showed up. His worried wife and family had the police out looking for him. Posters were put up, his picture put on milk cartons, but the drag net failed to locate him.
He turned up in San Diego today, safe and sound. When asked why he had ended up in San Diego instead of in New York he said, “I kept asking people, and they kept giving me wrong directions. And I was too embarrassed to phone home.” Sure, Rudy, we understand.
(To our Readers: We have decided to add an informational column for people who desperately want to know stuff about science from a Creationist point of view. If you wish to know something, just write to: Mr. Creation Scientist, DD, PhM, SS.)
Our congregation has already asked the following:
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of falling leaves?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of fall leaves is Autumn.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of fire?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of fire is combustion.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: If the chief cause of fire is combustion, then what is the chief cause of combustion?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of combustion is flammable materials.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of flower fragrance?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of flower fragrance is their smell.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of foot numbness?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of foot numbness is the feet “falling asleep”
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of freckles?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of freckles is brown spots on the skin.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes geysers?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of geysers is very hot boiling water.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of goose pimples?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of goose pimples is geese.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of hair?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of hair is to protect the parts they grow on.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of headaches?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of headache is a pain in the cranium.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of hibernation?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of hibernation is bears.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes high body temperature?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of high body temperature is having a fever.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of humidity?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of humidity is moisture, or negative aridity.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of hunger?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of hunger is lack of food.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes ice to form?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of ice is very cold water in negative liquidity.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of iron rust?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of iron rusting is oxidation.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes sneezing?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of sneezing is kachoos.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How do cows give milk?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that cows give milk by a process of lactation.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the cause of mosquito bite?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of mosquito bites is mosquitoes.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes movement?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of movement is motion or negative stationariness.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes sleep walking?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of sleep-walking is nocturnal perambulation.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes perspiration?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of perspiration is sweat.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes poison ivy itch?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of poison ivy itch is poison ivy.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes rain to fall down?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of rain falling down is gravity. If rain fell upwards, everyone would drown with water up their nose.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes water to be salty?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of salt water is sodium chloride.
Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What makes skunk odor?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of skunk odor is its awful smell.
FROM: Peter Fredson
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Recently, when discussing Bush’s arrogant remarks to sovereign nation Iran, I asked a fellow blogger to look back 4 years at similar remarks concerning Iraq as deliberately leading our nation to consider war. Taking my own advice I reread some of the hundreds of old files I have on my hard drive and CDs concerning Bush, including when he first came into national prominence.
Back in the late 1990’s a picture of G.W. Bush emerged to mystify many people. He was a callow and shallow person, a ne’er-do-well son of a powerful politician who got him into the best schools, put him into several business ventures and got him out of trouble when his ventures failed. G.W. had his famous “deer in the headlights” look of stupefaction when asked any question relevant to issues. I thought he was as dumb as a fence-post, and his stupid misstatements confirmed my opinion.
People speculated that Bush was dyslexic. Bush denied that his campaign used “subliminable” advertising. He said, on education. “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” He commented to struggling workers: “I know it’s hard to put food on your family.” About the economy: “I understand small business growth—I was one.” In Midland, Texas, he told an interviewer in 1994, “It was just inebriating, what Midland was all about then.” Remember when he was campaigning, Bush had no idea who the President of Pakistan was, even though the military coup in Pakistan was front-page news? Campaigning for President and not bothering to read newspapers sounds dumb or lazy.
The press reported that G.W. was a reformed alcoholic, coke snuffer, and aimless carouser, making us wonder how that qualified him for public office. When asked about current events he responded with a bewildered stare. When making grandiose statements about issues, he refused to give any specifics. He didn’t know anything about foreign affairs, and garbled the few names he knew of foreign leaders. Then it was reported that he would not serve his country in active duty but that his daddy got him into the National Guard, got him a commission, and that G.W. went A.W.O.L on several occasions for long periods of time. This was standard procedure for many draft-dodgers who later became Members of Congress, so I wasn’t particularly surprised but still wondered why he was being touted as a poster boy for the Republicans. We then heard about his many failures as Texan governor, and about his “compassionate conservatism”, which was belied by his penchant for executing prisoners and mocking their cries.
Another facet of G.W. emerged, connected to charismatic evangelical Methodism, at a time when Moral Majority and Christian Coalition leaders were going to high-tech political recruiting. The country had just passed an excruciating ordeal as rabid Republicans obsessively tried to overthrow Bill Clinton because an intern got his rocks off. We all witnessed the avid curiosity of congressional committees, special investigators and prosecutors that tried to get all the lurid details of fellatio, and their rampaging fury when Clinton escaped their clutches.
The evangelicals went into strategy sessions with major politicians to see how they could take over the direction of the country and save it from sin. They combined with major corporate executives for a double-whammy of Christian superiority and neo-conservative Manifest Destiny politics.
We know there were several secret sessions, where no drafts of Bush speeches were issued and no word of whatever transpired was made public. But we can tell by results that the Far Right wing was promised full access to the Oval Office and to the Treasury, with complete immunity as to installing Christian symbols, icons and monuments in whatever public place they chose. We know Far Righters were guaranteed results on abortion, gays, prayer, Pledge, Ten Commandments, and Christian hegemony. We know this was done for the Giant Corporations, and we know this was done for the gun owners. In fact a spokesman for the Rifle Association boasted that his organization would be given space in the White House. We know that this combination of neo-con corporations with highly aggressive and wealthy Christian activists eventually took control of the entire Republican party. They had the money, the votes, and the physical support of millions of True Believer sheep that would do anything they were asked “to help God.”
We know that G.W. told one of his religious mentors:
“I feel like God wants me to run for president. I can’t explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. . . . I know it won’t be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it.” G.W. also remarked that he considered Jesus to be his favorite philosopher, and that he talked to God. Judging from his reception as poster boy for the Far Right we can assume that his secret meetings promised people that their dearest wishes would be fulfilled
When G.W. was Governor of Texas, deciding to run for the presidency, he used language evangelicals would understand. G.W. said he had been “called,” a divine mandate, evoking prophetic revelations. He called several pastors for a ritual “laying on of hands,” like ministerial ordination. G.W. said he had been called by God to be presidential candidate. His use of religious language has since been frequent in his declarations, especially after September 11, 2001. He is regarded as a kind of Messiah by televangelist entertainers, because he opened the Gates of Heaven and the Oval Office to them. Thus he has been anointed, and any criticism of him is tantamount to challenging the will of God.
The Oval Office has been converted into a kind of chapel, where prayer sessions by Christian evangelists set the tone for daily strategy. G.W. inaugurated the “faith-based” assault on Separation of Church and State, allowing the faithful to proselytize and prosper at tax-payer expense. And corporate executives are living high off the hog, with no recess in their daily quest for maximum profit. But Martha Steward has been chastised even if Ken Lay has not.
Looking back 4 years we hear G.W. making arrogant speeches to the world about an AXIS OF EVIL, and about “regime change.” There is a gathering crescendo of belligerent propaganda about terrorism and how it is connected to Saddam Hussein, Iraq and to the imminent danger to the U.S. of dreaded mass Weapons of Mass Destruction which would rain death upon all America unless stopped immediately by Cruise Missiles. We see G.W. making countless speeches, daily, about the defiance of Saddam. We witness G.W. giving the U.N. his terms regarding Saddam and bullying or bribing other nations to see things his way. We see his entire cabinet out on the speech stump spreading the propaganda concerning EVIL in Iraq. We hear Colin Powell tell the world about the Weapons of Mass destruction, with colored slides and charts showing the terrible consequences of letting Saddam alone. We see Colin Powell, a person of good repute, turn into a sycophant of G.W., doing the bidding of a person who was not fit enough to serve as his orderly in the army. We hear Condi Rice using obfuscating bureaucratic language which could mean anything or nothing. And we see Cheney rubbing his hands with glee every time Millennium Corporation gets another billion dollars without needing any bothersome contracts.
We witness the secret meetings of the Vice President with top executives of energy corporations concerning the energy policy of the nation. But the press rarely shouted “corruption” or “war-monger.” We see the nation which had a credit surplus turn into a debtor nation with a record deficit. We see the nation become paranoid because of daily reports of terrorism purposely stirred up by the G.W. apparatus to “scare the hell out” of the public in a dazzling display of exploitative hubris. The colorful charts of terrorist danger devised by the administration did diddly-squat against terrorists, but had the effect of making the nation believe G.W. was some kind of hero who would protect them. In reality, he and his crew squandered billions of dollars in vain efforts to round up a dozen dissidents.
G.W. exploited September 11 to the hilt, and was successful in spreading a climate of fear in America by which people really thought that he, G.W., was a kind of hero and would protect them. This leaves no doubt about whether people are gullible or can be manipulated by rhetoric and swaggering. But, of course. we knew all that with Adolph Hitler, who showed the way for modern fascists to obtain and hold power with the “Big Lie” technique.
We heard G.W. vow to put his every effort into “getting” Osama bin Laden, then we watched G.W. gradually losing interest in bin Laden and taking great interest in Saddam Hussein and the vast reserves of Iraq oil. We observed the gradual switch after Afghanistan operations to enormous interest in invading Iraq. Great rhetoric was churned out by G.W. speechwriters concerning the evil of Saddam and the plight of his people without freedom.
G.W. proposed to “free” the people of Iraq with Cruise missiles, bunker buster bombs, cluster bombs, grenades, mortars, cannon, huge tanks, soldiers with full gear that would kill everything that moved. G.W. sold the gullible nation a bill of goods. He invaded Iraq, immediately seized the oil ministry and the oil wells, gave the oil to Millennium Corporation without pesky contracts, let Millennium feed the troops and make millions on the deal, inserted hundreds of “contractors” at fancy salaries to proselytize the Iraqis, and quartered troops upon the Iraqis to terrorize them, knock down their habitations, ruin their infrastructure, squander most of the money destined to help Iraqis, and kill about 100,000 Iraqis without even bothering to record the number of deaths. He blithely passed off 1,500 American troop deaths by refusing to let people photograph their caskets. In this way, by denying death, perhaps they never died for his reckless plans. Perhaps they are thanking him for sending them all to an afterworld or thanking him for sending them to their deaths for precious oil.
He personally chose every one of Iraqi puppet governors, and had his administrators draw up plans for permanent possession of Iraq in the form of giant airbases, a huge embassy, and to prohibit Iraqis from ever suing any of his people for any action they had ever committed against Iraq. He had no exit strategy except “kill the insurgents.” His entrance strategy certainly included the appeal to Right Wingers of being a Crusade against Infidel Muslims.
And he defined an “insurgent” as anyone who challenged his divine mandates, a practice he began with Americans in the U.S. when criticism was tantamount to treason.
Now we have a True Believer Supreme Court being asked to set aside their Christian beliefs and rule on Far Right aggressivity in imposing Christian symbols and dogma on the entire nation. Now we have G.W. using almost identical warlike rhetoric with Iran, Syria and a more muted tone with North Korea.
Now we still have a callow shallow smirking swaggering person in power, with the compassion of an alligator. We have a person in power who is the worst leader in memory, with the greatest deficit in history, with grave attacks on education, medicine, trade, economics, civil rights, environment, and veteran’s affairs. We have a person in power who was told by his lawyers that he was above the law. We have senators that think that abuse and torture are simply akin to college pranks. We have a person in power that dragged his feet every inch of the way to make a September Commission, still refuses to release crucial papers. We have a person in power that refuses to acknowledge ever making any mistake, that still believes some Weapons of Mass Destruction abounded and that he was chosen at a Divine Instrument to eradicate EVIL, while at the same time selling out his country to televangelists and corrupt corporations. And, we have a person in power that wishes to use the Bible as a legal document for the U.S., choosing favorite quotations of his to incorporate into the constitution.
As a result, it was painful to look back and reflect on the fact that some people never learn. Something about False Prophets serving Baal? We still wonder what makes him qualified to lead a democracy. Would it offend True Believers to say, “Heaven Help Us?”
Part of my daily routine is to go to GOOGLE for its excellent news service. Today I read another of George Bush’s incessant belligerent war rumblings. The news item from Reuters said basically:
“Syria would start pulling back its forces in Lebanon Monday. The United States warned it would accept no half measures and wants the Syrians gone before May elections. The United States is wary of Assad’s plans. The White House said that, with its allies, it would not stand by as Assad takes “half measures” in Lebanon, promising to step up pressure for a complete and immediate withdrawal.”
“The international community is not going to stand by and let Assad continue these kind of half measures,” White House counselor Dan Bartlett said. He said a withdrawal timetable could be worked out if Assad commits to removing all troops and secret services and indicated this must be done before elections expected in Lebanon in May.”
“I don’t think there could be a scenario in which there could be a real, truly free and fair election with a Syrian presence continuing to have an intimidation factor in Lebanon,” Bartlett said. Syrian secret services and intelligence officials in Lebanon “really keep the clamp of fear in the Lebanese people,” he said.”
Well, that made me wonder if Assad could reverse the belligerent Bush talk, so that the news item might read as follows:
“The United States will start pulling back its forces in Iraq Monday, and we warned the United States that we would accept no half measures. We want the Yanqui terrorists gone before May elections.”
“Under intense international pressure, Bush announced plans Saturday for a complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq but said Washington would play a role in its neighbor’s affairs. He also said that all his corporations would stay in Iraq to help the country extract its oil.”
“The pullback would start immediately after a meeting in Damascus between leaders of both countries to approve Bush’s plan for a swift two-phased withdrawal.”
Syria has long been wary of Bush’s aggressive war-mongering plans. It said Sunday that, with its allies, it would not stand by as Bush takes “half measures” in Iraq, promising to step up pressure for a complete and immediate withdrawal.”
“The international community is not going to stand by and let Bush continue to have these kinds of half measures,” a Syrian Mullah commented.”
“He said a withdrawal timetable could be worked out if Bush commits to removing all troops and secret services and indicated this must be done before elections expected in Lebanon in May”.
“I don’t think there could be a scenario in which there could be a real, truly free and fair election with an American invasion presence continuing to have a truly terrorizing and intimidation factor in Iraq.” the Mullah said..
“American secret services, contractors, rampaging soldiers, missionaries and intelligence officials in Iraq “really keep the clamp of fear in the Iraqi people,” he said.”
“President Assad is considering new unilateral sanctions, including freezing American assets, Syrian officials say, and is discussing “next steps” with Muslim and European allies.”
Wouldn’t it be nice if all the American press printed both sides of an issue, and that FOX NEWS hired some real reporters instead of sycophants?
And, wouldn’t it be very nice if Bush refrained from making warlike pronouncements and instead concentrated on keeping America a democracy instead of letting his Far Right sponsors turn it into a theocracy? Perhaps it is too much to ask that Bush refrain from his attacks on Social Security, Medicare, Gays, and the Environment to concentrate on getting factories and jobs back in the United States. He seems to prefer to spend his time waving flags, holding up crosses, trash talking, and smirking.
When George II ascended to the throne this year he made a speech that mentioned “liberty and freedom” over 40 times. This is surely enough for us to forgive his illicit invasion of Iraq, causing the death of over 100,000 Iraqis, demolishing thousands of Iraqi homes, letting 1600 of our troops be killed and thousands to suffer wounds and loss of limbs. His liberty and freedom surely allow him to put a huge airbase in Iraq, install a huge embassy, install a puppet regime and now to threaten Syria and Iran. Condi Rice when asked if Bush had plans to invade Iran and Syria remarked “Not at the present time.” How about 5 minutes from the present time? If you listen closely you can hear the muffled drum beat of war mongering in the daily declarations of George Bush denouncing Syria and Iran. Even now his pilotless planes are circling over sovereign Muslim countries and several hundred True Believers in liberty and freedom are hard at work inside of Syria and Iran to fathom the evil intentions of the Syrians and Iranians. Bush loves to play military hero, swaggering in uniform, swashbuckling his way through the U.N. and smirking his way through corporate takeovers of the resources of the world. All this is done in the name of liberty and freedom, as our troops invade evil empires to spread democracy by cruise missile and armored vehicles.
We are now lamentably in a cultural war in the U.S. The war was declared by the Far Right that soon afterwards captured the entire congress. But the enemy still lurks everywhere, preventing True Believers from posting 10 Commandments, crucifixes, and other symbols of sincere and holy faith in public places.
So, to help George II fight the liberal enemy, I have decided to emulate former Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. I want the entire world to acknowledge the Bush vision of liberty and freedom. Half measures will no longer be adequate.
To that end I have spent countless hours in my basement making a symbol of liberty and freedom for all to see and cherish. I have taken the finest wood to make a sculpture of Spartacus on a crucifix. I have used several pounds of gold leaf to decorate it. No one can object to this. It is secular, moral, edifying and a beautiful model for every True American.
I and my brothers are going to load Spartacus into our pickup truck and take it to the Post Office tonight. We have picked out a blank wall in the Post Office where we will hang our moral statement. It is not intrusive but if anyone objects they can always avert their gaze to look at WANTED posters
There is no taxpayer money involved. It is a private donation and no charge will be made to install Spartacus. No state or national legislative body is involved, and no law is necessary to be passed. The sculpture is handsome, with lots of gold leaf, and once it is in place it would be a shame if somebody tried to take it down. We are now bargaining with a novelty company to make small scale models of the sculpture so that every classroom, courthouse, post office, and congressional office can have one to show the wonderful beautiful model of Spartacus as a champion of liberty and freedom.
We intend to offer a large model to churches, to hang next to whatever crucifix they now have to show their love for freedom and liberty. Think of the moral value involved with two crucifixes!
We will also offer a small bobbing-head model to hang from your rear view mirror and let you meditate on the vision of George II. Surely this is innocuous, moral, secular, and beautiful! Surely this is “expression of a belief that humans are valuable, sacred & deserve to be protected by laws.”
And, surely this is what George II would want for all Americans.
The Supreme Court of the United States of America is at this moment deciding whether our country will remain a constitutional democracy or become a Biblical Theocracy by posting the 10 Commandments in every public place, including court houses, schools, and congressional offices.
I am apprehensive about the neutrality of the justices in this matter. Their partisan nature was shown in appointing George W. Bush as President of these United States on a straight political choice basis. Ever since that event I have lost respect for the rulings of the Supremes reflecting neutrality rather than partisanship.
Now we are asking them to rule on whether or not it is constitutional to endorse the public postings of Christianity’s Ten Commandments, based on the deceitful claim that all of our laws are based on Bible quotations. They will be asked to consider that when the Commandments speak of God, it is simply ceremonial ritual, traditional ways, and absolutely secular. Religion is not religiousness. Talking about the Christian God (and there is not the slightest doubt that the posters do NOT mean Allah or Buddha or Krishna), is simply innocuous teaching of good values. Endorsing the Ten Commandments to be posted in every classroom is not establishing any Christian religion…but simply acknowledging the basis of our moral values.
The defenders of the Faith, ACLJ lawyers, point out that there are presently over 4,000 postings and monuments in public places. They have shown a book of paintings with the Ten Commandments Tablets being held by Moses, and how beautiful the paintings are and what a terrible shame that such wonderful works of art, moral virtues, might be ordered “bull-dozed or sand-blasted.” The lawyers point out that some of the postings and paintings are been there for years, and that this makes this “traditional” and even “non-religious.”
They completely ignore that fact that every one of the posters and monuments were imposed, either by deception, stealth or by simply putting the damn things up wherever they are. They ignore that fact that the posters and monuments should never have been put up in the first place. The argument is that “Well, they are now in place, so they should remain there.”
The Supremes undoubtedly will not take into account the demonstrations of True Believers who are blubbering, crying, expostulating, shouting to their God with tears running down their blubbery faces, to “save the 10 Commandments.” One would think that if the court rules against imposition of religious slogans in public spaces that the 10 Commandments would be lost forever. One would think that there will no longer remain any of the millions of Bibles printed and distributed by Christian zealots. One would think that this means the 10 or 20 Commandments would not be allowed to be posted in churches or in the homes of True Believers. One might think that True Believers cannot hang a picture of Moses holding some stone tablets in their bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms, living rooms, dining rooms, garages or any other space that they own.
In my small town there are about 50 churches and I have never seen any of them having a 10 Commandments monument in their front yard. I’m sure they would be delighted to have the Alabama one, the Texan one, the Pittsburgh one, etc. I think the justices should ask the devout believers to take the monuments and shove them in their own front yards.
And, of course, not a single person arguing before the court will question whether somebody went into seclusion for 40 days, and then came back with some tablets holding slogans in his language, to claim that some God had done it, is at all ridiculous, nonsense or even a simple scam. ACLU lawyers will show that posting other civil documents along with the 10 Commandments, makes the 10 Commandments secular statements, not at all religious. No, no, no.
Then we have hints that True Believers might take justice into their own hands if thwarted by the Supremes. After all, we had a governor who threatened publicly to call out his National Guard, if a 10 Commandments Monuments in Alabama were touched. We have a Chief Justice of an Alabama Court who demanded that the world acknowledge his God, who refused to obey orders of his superiors to remove a monument he personally put there, and we have hundred of worshippers coming to see the hunk of metal, and they were blubbering, shouting and waving their arms about in religious ecstasy to be near such a sacred monument. We have most of Congress making statements of “acknowledgement” of the 10 Commandments, and making legislation designed to allow them to be put up anyplace they desired.
What is worse, we know that several of the justices are True Believers. We know that the Chief Justice has declared that the Wall of Separation between Church and State, which has kept this nation at peace for 200 years, is just a bad metaphor. We know that Justice Scalia has made reference of preference to Christianity, and that Justice Moore would not hesitate to dump the Constitution in favor of bible dogma. What is worse, we don’t know of any Justice that has not been a devotee of Christianity, bible reader, or participant in Christian prayer sessions. How is it possible for people who were indoctrinated in their youth, to live in the Far Right world imposed on us by True Believer Presidents, and still be impartial, neutral, and logical?
We know the Justices will be under severe pressure. We believe they will act to accommodate Christian beliefs and slogans in public places. We believe they will find semantic mishmash to justify the imposition of Christianity upon this nation. We believe they will come up with some argument showing that Christian Beliefs are really only tradition, civil ritual, innocuous statements of good morals, ceremonialism, etc., and that everyone who is not a Christian should simply avert their eyes, pretend that they don’t care, and should not resort to civil war over such a tiny thing as imposition.
Should we now expect statues of Jesus, large crucifixes, Virgins, Angels and other religious phenomenon to be placed in public places at taxpayer expense? Should we now expect that public schools will teach Intelligent Design, have daily prayers to baby Jesus, stop teaching biology? Will we have a New Inquisition?
Far back in history, before there were kings, politicians, economists and priests, some Neanderthals left the first evidences of people trying to fathom the phenomenon of death. They buried their dead with food, drink, clothing and possessions, in formal graves. Previously, dead bodies were left where they had fallen, to rot or be scavenged by other predators. In one instance some Neanderthals put flowers on a prepared grave, evincing concern and undying affection for the deceased. They sprinkled a red pigment on the body before burial, and sometimes put skulls of bears or goats around the grave. However, we aren’t able to reproduce their thoughts as they left no drawings or writings to commemorate the sad rituals. Conjecture is our fallible tool concerning early burial customs of humans and the beliefs they held.
With the passage of time came fallible explanations of the mystery of death. Formal burials, with prepared graves were also accompanied by ceremonies and rituals, very likely attended by remarks concerning the deceased, and some type of consolation for the survivors. The grave site was marked by some type of monument, and when writing was invented the name and other pertinent details of the deceased were recorded. Community wise-men, (shamans and medicine men,) were introduced as intermediaries and interpreters of death and other unforeseen and mysterious events. With the growth of cities and empires, Religion raised its imaginative head, and a priesthood dedicated to invisible powerful supernatural entities took charge of funerals and other kinds of emotional human events.
A priesthood educated in religious dogma commanded much of the literary activity of their societies. Writing hardened imagination into fantastic fiction merged with social realities and became a source of livelihood for the newly emergent class of priests. They took over from the story-telling around campfires of hunters, gatherers and herders, and their tales, gradually intensified by imaginative suppositions concerning life and death, became rigorous dogma.
At some point in history the idea that a dead person survived someplace, somehow, was tackled by the priesthood with the invention of another dimension where the dead are housed. The indisputable fact that there was a dead body lying in a grave was refuted by the literary invention of “the soul.” The soul then inhabited another literary fiction, the “after-world.” And the “after world” was ruled by an even greater literary fiction, a supernatural entity. Finally came the greatest literary invention of all. Priests discovered “sin.” They not only defined sin but assigned punishments for transgressions. That part of the circle was then complete. People were born, lived, sinned or obeyed their priests, died, went to the afterworld, and in some societies were reborn, resurrected, restored, reincarnated or transmigrated into another body that was being born.
The mystery of death was then “solved” by the mystery of the after-life and an even more mysterious supernatural entity. Fiction became hardened into Fact by the priesthood, by millions of repetitions of the mythology, inculcated into the young people as revealed dogma which had to be received under grave penalty. Hundreds of thousands of priests infest this world, all thumping sacred books or pointing to ridiculous quotations concerning sin and supernatural desires.
The priesthood, feathering its nest, evolved a complex network which could only be interpreted by priests. They also found an accommodation with political authorities that needed a submissive public. The combination of church and state is more than sufficient to turn any society into a theocracy.
A major device of proselytizing was to “scare the Hell out of them.” by putting the fear of Hell into them. The priesthood evolved a labyrinth of fiction by which people would be punished in an afterlife, for failing to abide by the lucubrations of priests. And the problem of suspecting an Evil Creator was solved by creating another entity that was Pure Evil. Once you create a creator, nothing stops fiction writers from creating other supernatural entities like angels, cherubim, devils, demons, tooth fairies, leprechauns and pixies. And why stop at one Creator? Why not make a 3-in-1 kind of oily creator who not only is the Father but his own Son, and his own Uncle to boot…all wrapped into one package for economy if not lucidity. The priests explain it with a glib “It’s a divine mystery.”
Once the priesthood became literate, their imaginings and fantasies could be passed intact to other selected people, who made their living by thumping the sacred scrolls and pointing to passages priests had written but alleging that some supernatural entity had really done the job, probably “inspiring” the nutty originators of myth. Thus writing became a tool for oppression, deceit, empty ritual and a fine source of priestly employment by a credulous and gullible public.
Fear of the Unknown has been exploited by priests in most religions, with few exceptions. This fear is augmented by alleging a future life of either Paradise or Hell, determined by violating taboos and dogma originated by priests who attribute universal judgment to some invisible intangible omnipotent omnipresent eternal unchanging supernatural entity.
New Testament mythology, concerning a divine messiah who supposedly died, rose up into clouds, and is expected back soon, contains some of the most terrible and fearsome hogwash priests have either invented or stolen from other similar societies around them. The Christian idea concerning their Hell has frightened children from their earliest days. Parsons, circuit riders, nutty evangelists have thundered the fearful fate awaiting everyone unless they follow the fanciful instructions which priests have devised.
Invariably the preachers point straight up into the sky to show where the delights of Heaven await everyone, while they point downward to show where people will scream their lungs out for eternity in some gruesome furnace like place, with little demons poking the unfortunate souls with pitchforks.
For centuries they have asserted that Heaven is an actual location, and that Hell also is very close by. Some Christian web sites state that the shrieks of the damned can be heard coming out of deep holes in the ground. Others assert that Heaven is fairly close by. But no priest in thousands of years, despite all their rhetoric and terrifying tales has ever given any geographical location. Nowadays, with Geographic Positioning technology, with Astronomical maps of the Universe, with the Hubble Telescope, no one has ever enlightened the general public as to the actual location of either Heaven or Hell.
And when the more sophisticated priests are pressed to be more specific about location, they invariably remark that they are not talking about actual geographic localities, but about metaphorical loci that represent a distancing from their God.
No god has ever told any human about any new material, any new invention, anything new about nature, anything new about geography, mathematics, geology or biology, anything new about the universe or any of the stars that inhabit it, or increased human knowledge one tiny bit beyond what it already knew before a god “inspired” some writer. The only additions any fanciful entity has supposedly given humanity are assertions about supernatural activity or domains, which are unprovable, unknowable, unverifiable, and usually ludicrously beyond any rational thought, and therefore must be assigned to the category of myth, legend, fable or fairy tale. In fact, it was never any “god”, but a series of credulous humans, pretending that a “god” spoke to them, that wrote these stories.
For an interesting review of this situation I heartily recommend the article by Robert G. Ingersoll on Hell. Here are a few quotes:
“The idea of a hell was born of revenge and brutality on the one side, and cowardice on the other. In my judgment the American people are too brave, too charitable, too generous, too magnanimous to believe in the infamous doctrine of an eternal hell.”
“In my judgment man has made every religion and made every book. Man has invented every god that he worships, has created from his imagination every hell, and every heaven.”
“Man has produced every religion in the world? And why? Because each generation bodes forth the knowledge and the belief of people at the time it was made, and in no book is there any knowledge found except that of the people who wrote it. In no book is there found any knowledge except that of the time in which it was written.”
“The doctrine of hell is infamous beyond all power to express. I wish there were words that mean enough to express my feelings of loathing on this subject. What harm has it not done? What waste places has it not made?”
“It has planted misery and wretchedness in this world; peopled the future with selfish joys and lurid abysses of eternal flame.
But we are getting more sense every day. We begin to despise those monstrous doctrines. If you want to better men and women, change their conditions here.”
“Don’t promise them something somewhere else. One biscuit will do more good than all the tracts that were ever peddled in the world.”
Or, as the International Workers of the World once chanted:
“Long-haired preachers come out every night,
Try to tell you what’s wrong and what’s right;
But when asked how ‘bout something to eat
They will answer with voices so sweet:”
CHORUS:
”You will eat, bye and bye,
In that glorious land above the sky;
Work and pray, live on hay,
You’ll get pie in the sky when you die.”
George Bush II is Godly. Although he doesn’t know enough theology to fill a peanut shell, he says he Loves Jesus and talks to God, and that is enough nowadays to get him elected President. He says he loves the 10 Commandments and wants to see them posted in every public place, and declares everybody should pray, and that is enough to raise 100 million dollars and several million votes. He says he wants bible passages about gays and marriage to be put in the Constitution and that is enough to get the entire Far Right solidly behind any stupidity he pronounces.
George Bush II used deception, stealth and misdirection in his quest for power, modern fundamentalist characteristics, and instituted a self-imposed war against Iraq on specious pretexts. He presented himself as a Warrior for Jesus, complete in Air Force Flight uniform, which he uses to show that he courageously fights “for the right.” (Pun Intended). As Poster Boy of the Far Right, he is sometimes illustrated with a small halo above his head. He fervently believes that he was selected by an invisible intangible omnipotent omnipresent entity to detect evil and eradicate it, and perhaps to bring about the APOCALYPSE when everybody (except himself and Jerry Falwell) will go screaming into hell and all real estate investment on earth will suddenly vanish.
After failing to catch Osama bin Laden, he found Evil and Oil in Iraq instead. Then he began threatening Iran and Syria with indications that he will do the same whenever and wherever he desires, for who will naysay him? His lawyers told him that he has absolute power to do anything he pleases. And, indeed, He turned Congress into an adjunct of the Oval Office, with sycophant senators eagerly awaiting his latest attack on the Constitution, and falling all over themselves to excuse his murderous intentions, preemptions and stupidities. They know he has his finger on the nuclear trigger, and how little contemplation it would take him if religion mixed with corporate greed dominated the discussion.. But, he Loves Jesus, talks to God! You Da Man!
He hesitates about going to war with North Korea though, for North Korea has a million men under arms, well trained and disciplined. The case against North Korea possessing weapons of mass destruction and having a ruthless leader is even stronger than that of Iraq and Saddam Hussein. But, you see, North Korea is not biblical, nor does it have resources to seize for corporate profit. Going to War with North Korea will not further God’s plans for humanity. It would be a secular nightmare. It’s not Goddist!
A horrifying aspect of the Christian Far-Right is the firm belief that a World War will spread and turn into a fore-ordained Apocalypse, during which their God will destroy the world and all humans, except for a few previously selected who will go to heaven, exact location never specified. We are not sure if the chosen few will all be given virgins with which to dally, like the suicide bombers of Islam, but hope springs eternal. The only consolation is that about 99.99% of Republicans will be cast screaming into the fiery pit, despite all their annoying hopeful rhetoric while on earth. Fare thee well, Rick. Good luck, Orin. Bye bye, Dick. Scream long and hard, Rumsfeld! Surprise, Jerry!
The Far Right believes that George W. Bush is their messiah, the coiled spring to bring about the long-desired end of everything. They would give their money, votes, labor and even your lives to bring that about. They would abolish all opposition to their “divine” plans. They would stop at nothing, including mass murder, to make their nothingness God supreme ruler of the soon-to-be destroyed world.
Can we say that people who think like that are ill-advised, suckers, victims of brain-washing? Are they fanatic, mad, crazy, stupid, gullible, credulous, over-trusting, foolish, extreme, monomaniacal, out of touch with reality? Or were they indoctrinated when very young, and exposed to church propaganda incessantly, to the point that they are now unable to distinguish fact from myth? Or that they wish to “belong” to some group for support against the dark?
Whatever the reason be for their accepting any Christian version of nothingness, they are usually ignorant of any other possibility, and resent any attempt to wean them from long-held beliefs. People do not like to be made aware that their lives have been ruled by mistaken beliefs. George II especially seems unable to admit to making any mistakes. When asked what mistakes he might have made, he replied that he couldn’t think of any. The fact that some bloggers have come up with several hundred instances of his stupidity, blunders, lies and incompetence does not seem to register in his brain cells.
Priests, preachers and parsons do not believe they are “lying.” Most of them went to priest schools where they were subjected for a period of years to only one religious view, and where they could not possibly get a degree or professional work if they dared complain of the paucity of evidence, or the impossibility of some stories, or debate the non-existence of whatever entity their school was named for.
They all sincerely “believe” and must swear they will never learn or believe anything else. Priest Schools have taught the same subjects, in the same way, for several thousand years. All allusions for their graduates are in Christian terms. If they wish to preach a sermon, or illustrate some belief, they are shown how to pick a verse from the Bible that will exactly “prove” their point. Linguistically-adept preachers can forge an hour sermon out of practically any Bible passage. So, the word “lying” is not appropriate for modern bible-thumpers and passage-pointers. “Mistaken” might be more like it.
Too bad they don’t generally read Shakespeare, or Don Quixote, or any of the other thousands of really good classics illustrating the vast diversity of humankind. There is many a good lesson in Gargantua and Pantagruel, as there is in Candide. Or, how about Dorothy Parker and Stephen Leacock, Rudyard Kipling and Frank Harris, H. L. Mencken and Alexander Woolcott, Yeats and Robbie Burns? I might even suggest reading Robert Ingersoll, Herodotus, Homer, or Confucius to broaden their perspective. It takes a lot more than listening to Billy Graham, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson, Benny Hinn, or the other 47,000 televangelists to be “educated.” Reading only one anthology written by religious zealots, and ignoring all the rest of the world’s literature, makes for monomaniacal creationism.
This country can easily slide back into a medieval darkness on the slippery slope of Under God dogmatism with a Born Again messiah at the helm. Would it be too heavy satire to say: “Heaven help us?”
One approach of aggressive Christians, who love to spread their beliefs, is through misdirection, deceit, instigation, stealth, and downright imposition. Whenever there is a sudden spurt of demands to install Christian artifacts, icons and symbols in public places, you can bet that instigation is at work. How does it work?
A preacher at a Sunday School gently asks his students “Wouldn’t it be nice if you could tell your public school friends about how you love Jesus?” “Isn’t it a shame that nobody has posted our lovely 10 Commandments in your school?” “I wish we could put up these posters someplace where people can see them.” “I’ll bet that if you asked if you could form a prayer club in your school that everybody could get saved quicker.” “When you graduate maybe you can pray for us.” “Just before the football game starts, you might ask God for help in winning the game.” “Be sure to wear this cross at all times.” “People should be told that Christ died for them.”
A modern technique is to create your own lawyers who cleverly evolve strategy to make things appear different from what they are. Aggressively promote your strategy through politicians in exchange for monetary support, votes and volunteer workers. God Advertising pays big dividends for politicians. Modern church data bases, web sites, and links can muster up millions of responses overnight. Displaying one bit of a nipple produced 300,000 complaints, most worded identically, to politicians complaining of the great breakdown in morality.
At meetings of top level evangelists with their lawyers they have evolved a plan to get Christianity “acknowledged,” despite the fact that courts ruled against them. They took a semantic approach that looked or sounded different, but had precisely the same application. For instance, if mentioning God during law trials is deemed inappropriate, try The Creator, Intelligence, Tradition, Customary Usage, Spiritual. If saying Christian prayers is deemed inappropriate then try Silent Contemplation, Reflection, Meditation, Moment of Silence, or Voluntary Individual Prayer, Non-curricular Clubs, Private Student Speech, or Spiritual Development.
If showing the 10 Commandments is deemed to be religious, try the Historical Approach and show the Commandments next to the Bill of Rights. If Creationism is deemed inappropriate, try Creative Intelligence. If more Christianity is needed try the Fair and Equal approach. If talk of evolution seems to be gaining ground, then argue that Christianity is the only other alternative possible to the flawed only-a-theory and, by using partial quotations out-of-context to refute their arguments, claim that scientists appear to be wavering in their commitment to evolution. Give creationists diplomas from fly-by-night diploma mills, nicely printed on parchment, to show serious credentials. And, above all, disclaim any religious purpose. Sham is the operative word in spreading Christianity in America today.
Get some politician to deny that legislation is politically and religiously motivated. A politician might say: “This isn’t about establishing religion, it’s about practicing religion.” Of course, this does not apply to Muslims, Buddhists, Sikhs, Hindus or any other religion but you can gloss over this and perhaps no one will notice. Say that your religious legislation is merely offering alternatives under the guise of accommodation for sincere beliefs.
Religious motives of legislators who enact religious law have been deemed irrelevant. What is important is that you pass legislation, and if that fails try rewording it again and again. Sooner or later you will find some True Believer judge who will agree with the rewording.
Speaking of judges, if any judges rule against your legislation, call them “activists.” But if you find nice Christian judges who will rule in your favor, call them “fair.” And make sure that you elect or appoint only “fair” judges.
Never mention anything favorable about any other religion, sacred literature or traditions. Never mention any of thousands of vicious murderous and barbaric acts of Christians during their history. Show the Crusades and missionaries as spreading sweetness, light, and love. Never mention book burnings, the Inquisition, torture and murder of people accused of witchcraft. Never mention any corruption, stupidity or perversity of priests. Hide their thefts and sodomies with a barrage of balderdash. Never mention that not one cent, or centavo, of the billions of dollars raised in the name of Jesus or God has ever made its way into their divine hands, or ever will. But frequently mention Pascal’s Wager, the Watchmaker argument and a dozen others as through they were all successfully proven and need no further discussion.
In other words, stacking the deck is good strategy. Misdirection, misinformation, deceit, and stealth show good results. So does simple imposition. Just ask any televangelist. Ask Gary Bauer. You might ask George, but he will probably deny it.
As one blogger (Mathew’s Journal) recently remarked: “George W Bush defended the war on Iraq, saying that the only way to avoid a chaotic world ruled by force was to rule by force. Next week he’ll be explaining how his economic policies will eliminate the US national debt by making it larger.”
From Iraq there are reports that a missionary refused water to thirsty people “unless they accepted Christ.” Sure, that’ll work. It always has.
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