What NOT to do during “Return of the King.”

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, “I see dead people!”

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, “Man! Charlotte’s really let herself go!”

Sent to me via email, thanks D!

118 thoughts on “What NOT to do during “Return of the King.”

  1. Um, I would never, and have never done any of those things. 

    Really.

    If someone said I did, they lied.

  2. ohhh…..we’re not supposed to do that….damn I’ve already got my old lady costume ready…

  3. How about refraining from saying “I love you more than Jesus” every time Aragorn is on screen?  Complete with the breathless, evil whisper.  It can really piss people off!  (reference is Viggo as the Devil in one of the “Prophecy” movies)

  4. Im gonna make so many new friends at the premiere if I dress up like a lady and do it M.Python stylee

  5. What about crying out loudly “That’s my cousin in the orc-suit!” when 600.000 orcs are pictured?

  6. Also, ladies should try not to moan in orgasmic delight too loudly whenever Arargorn is onscreen, it makes it difficult to hear the dialogue, oh, and other people have to sit in those seats afterwards

    :drool:

  7. Aragorn?  That’s nothing.  I swear, if I have to hear my wife make one more comment about that “sexy elf” I’m gonna puke.  She’s not sure if his name is Legolas or Lots-o-leg.

    (I keep reminding her of the scene where Legolas is walking on top of the snow. . . “see honey, that faerie is totally light in the loafers.  You’re much better off with an Orc like me.”  I don’t think she’s buying it though)

    She made me go see :pirate:s of the Caribbean just so she could see elfie-dude again.

  8. Tish brings up a good point and I think it should be high on the list of things women shouldn’t do during the movie. The theaters owners alone would be more than appreciative for the lack of seat-cleaning bills.

  9. * (Do the Smeagol voice really loud) “MYY PREEECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” every time you see the ring.
    * Everyone has not read the book and knows how it ends. Talk about it queing for tickets and waiting for the movie to start. Make people really overhear it.
    * PFFWWBBD. Peoples front for ‘what would bilbo baggins do?’. Make t-shirts, come as a group and at the end when they’re to destroy the ring keep yelling ‘DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT!’
    * Come dressed up as star wars characters and talk during the entire movie about how ‘yoda could kick frodo’s ass.’, tell the characters to ‘use the force!’, ‘the death star could kick saurons ass’, etc, etc, etc.

  10. Ok, that has got to be the most fun I’ve had in a long time! This is almost as good as MY lists!

  11. Those are awesome.

    You probably shouldn’t go to the world premier parade dressed as a pirate either…

    Wait a minute…I did that.

    ooops…

    *grins* good way of getting attention though.

  12. Coolness! Now I get to find out what it’s like to go over my bandwidth limits! :-D

    Seriously though, I think that’s actually the second time I’ve had my site mentioned in the comments to a /. article. Still, I’ll take what little bit of glory I can from it. grin

  13. Another /.er here.

    For those that had their old lady costumes don’t despair, he didn’t say anything about a Monty Python style fruit battle (like in the self defense sketch). So bring plenty of fruits wink

  14. /.‘r reporting in.  i was agent smith for one of the first imax showings of revolutions, but it seems none of these middle earth costumes are as easy to emulate.  looks like i’ll have to settle for this list of to-dos =D

  15. Brother of a /. whore who got sent the link. Funny stuff.
      I really want to do some of that. But I’d need a bodyguard…
      I really think #11 is the best though, and does anyone know a good way to get urine out of pants?

  16. got this in email a couple weeks ago and forwarded it to my geek teammates. I sure didn’t think it was from a website first, but I’m glad to find the person who wrote it. (You did write this, right?)  I LOVE the Charlotte one!

  17. YA/. (yet another slashdotter) here.

    yea yea, i confess.  i went to the premiere of pirates of the caribbean dressed as Legolas.  *hangs head in semi-shame*

    but hey, the ladies got a kick out of it smile

  18. For #2, instead, do like Jimmy on South Park, “You shall not p-p-p-pa….  You shall not p-p-p-p-p-paaa….”

  19. Toadies, I must confess that I’m not the original author nor do I know exactly who is. A coworker of mine forwarded the list to me and it was too good not to post, but I don’t want to take credit for someone else’s good work.

    I did try to make an attempt to ID the original author so I could include credit where it’s due, but wasn’t able to figure out who it was. If anyone knows, however, I’ll update the list with proper attribution.

  20. 19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

    I must say that this gave me good ideas :D

  21. To be banned from any movie establishment for the rest of your life:

    1) print these out
    2) pass them out to people in line
    3) snatch them away from people who don’t laugh.  Be sure to give them pitying looks
    4) tell those who shriek hysterically that they are section leaders
    5) when the section leaders implicate you while they are being dragged off, act as if you are wearing the One Ring and they can’t possibly see you
    6) wait until DVD release to actually be able to see the movie

  22. I agree, #16 is absurdly funny, but how many readers are old enough to get it? smile

    Great stuff, thanks.

  23. There’s only one Orc Sing-a-long….

    Where there’s a whip (make whip noise)
    There’s a WAY!

  24. I think number 6 is the best, been a running joke between my friends and I ever since the movie came out.
    “as you can see, weve been expecting you for quite some time, mr baggins.”

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